The Epilogue

Today, out the blue, I felt inspired to blog again. For awhile things were so busy and hectic that I didn't have the time, or if I had free time I felt that my time should be devoted to other more pertinent things. Now, as I reflect after a slow work week, it seems like a good time to write an epilogue.

A huge focus of my previous blogging dealt with my ongoing struggles with my old job and my ongoing job search. That story came to the climatic and joyous end when, TA DA--I finally got a new job! I left my old job on Friday the 13th of November (a truly lucky day in my book) and haven't looked back since.

I thought it would take months to get the voice of my old supervisor out of my head, but luckily it took only about a week, maybe two at tops. As soon as I was away from there, I had a chance to step back and reflect, finally being out of that situation. I realized how truly unhealthy my last work environment really was...that it really wasn't some kind of scenario I had built up in my head--while we all "hate" our bosses, or so it seems, this was beyond that. The control-freakishness, the passive-aggressiveness, the power struggling, and the neuroticism of my last superivsor had created a work environment that stagnated me, and at times deteriorated me,both personally and professionally. I found myself second-guessing my decisions, being nervous, catching myself between rocks and hard places more and more of the time. And for what? To please someone so unpleasant? To disserve my clients? It's so hard to explain the strangely powerful negative dynamic that was created, except that being out of it and exposed to something so much healthier made me truly realize how unhealthy it was.

From day one at my new job not only did I feel welcomed but I felt truly respected as an individual and a clinician. I wasn't constantly having to prove myself and explain myself. For the first time in over two years, I felt like I was on the same playing ground as my supervisor and the psychiatrist. My credentials and experience seemed to speak for themselves, but so did my own mouth. And I was actually listened to! My decisions were my decisions, they didn't all need "supervisor approval" (though I do value his opinion and actually seek to get his feedback on my decisions). After a week I didn't have to turn in things for my new supervisor to review. He implictly trusted my skills and that I would come to him with questions or problems. Most importantly, I felt like part of a team. A team doing treatment...which has been a great feeling!
(Now, don't get me wrong, I got great support and respect from many of my old co-workers, who were coping with the same neurotic boss, but it was quite overshadowed by the negativity of my old supervisor, who sporadically spit out a "good job" amid emails, voicemails, and post-it notes that implied and stated otherwise. And for the most part it felt like we were all fending for ourselves, between being overloaded and running here and there, there was not much opportunity for comraderie and team building, and it almost seemed frowned upon at times!)

Best of all, I feel more confident in my own clinical skills, more confident than I have felt in a really long time. So when I was told a week ago that my hours would be changing somewhat (from 10 to 6 Monday-Thursday, still 8:30-5 on Fridays), I was pretty much OK with it. Not thrilled about getting home later, but I figure everything else has been worth it. I have really been blessed to have great teens in the program, teens who have wanted to be here and are willing to open up and talk. I have been blessed with helpful, wonderful new co-workers too. The commute hasn't been bad, except for days it has been icy or snowy. And my office is located in a quite quaint and cozy downtown area that I am learning to enjoy.

So a change has really done me a world of good.

Long overdue update

Wow, so it's really been awhile. So much has been going on lately that I have had to neglect a few things, one being my blog. So here's a run down of events.

(WARNING: Reading the following blog may induce symptoms similar to Bipolar Disorder)

1) I FINALLY GOT A NEW JOB!!!! Hallelujah!! After over a year of searching and interviewing, last week I finally got the call that I was being offered a new job. Intially it felt surreal--after so many interviews, so many times leaving the interview feeling confident, only to have follow up calls and emails not returned, and then only to get the form letter or generic email that the position was filled with someone whose "qualifications most closely match those of the position"--finally I was that person whose qualifications matched the job. In the past week I have thought of those others who applied for this position and were never even called for a first interview, and those who went to interviews and then didn't get the call backs or those who went for a few interviews never to get the final call. I felt for them, being through it so many times. I try to rationalize that everything happens in its own time and for a reason and that this was finally my time and my season.

So this Monday I gave my boss the letter I have been wishing I could give her for over a year, that I am resigning. She took it shockingly well. I think she might have known it was coming. More on that later.

By the way, in case you are curious, my new position is working as a therapist through a hospital doing an intensive outpatient therapy program for adolescents. I have always found adolescents to be challenging; in some ways I enjoy them the most, because unlike little children you can do more "real" therapy with them, if they are willing to engage--which brings up the challenge--IF they are willing to engage! Nothing is more difficult than a bratty 15 year staring you down and refusing to talk. So, we'll see. I will miss the little ones, I love working with little kids and doing lots of my own brand of art and play therapy, which in the end usually feels more like having play dates than therapy. But I am so excited for working 8:30-5:00pm Monday-Friday, NO on-call shifts, and NO home visits.

I know no job is perfect and that this one won't be either, that I will have bad days and tough days, but I hope and pray that it's a better experience than my current place of employment (though I do have several co-workers I will miss and some clients too). I just hope this is a place where I can finally take root and get comfortable and feel like I can stay awhile and grow professionally.

Thanks to all my friends and family for their support during this long job search process!

2) So before and during all of that, my mom has been in and out of the hospital. I can't even recall where I left off describing that saga--she's been in for psychiatric treatment and then in again for medical treatment. Without going into lots of details of her personal information, which I am sure she wouldn't want me to share on the internet (well, maybe she wouldn't care, she does tend to be an open book with others about her multitude of illnesses), her physical and mental health have been up and down (mostly down) and it's been pretty hard on me. I now live about four hours away from her and I am torn, I feel guilty and wish I were closer to see her and help out more, but if I were it would probably consume my life, trying to help her and she's really at the point she needs help but she really needs to help herself. She has become pretty dependent on others to monitor her health and to care for her rather than her take charge and care for herself, which is part of the problem, and what a complex problem it is. I think I will leave it at that, rather than go into all the details.

3) And so while all of this was going on I have had some encounters with my boss that were pretty negative. Actually they could have been worse in many ways, but they definitely didn't make for a friendly work environment. Basically she scolded me several times for not keeping her up to date on issues with some of my clients and for doing things without "supervisor approval" (which for her pretty much everything needs her approval). I do understand that supervisors have obvious responsibilities and I should have done better at communicating with her about several issues. But it's really hard when you have a boss who 90% is cold and judgemental and is kind and supportive only about 10% of the time. It's a crap shoot and makes difficult situations even that much harder. Once I leave this job, if I never hear the term "supervisor approval" again I will be very happy. Luckily the people I interviewed with at my new job seem pretty relaxed and hopefully will let me work more autonomously. I feel like the more I work independently the more confident I am in what I do, instead of everything being "I have to check my with supervisor on that." Ick!

I realize that these are some of the main issues I have tended to blog about--job hunting, work, and my mom's health. Finally the work/job hunt issue gets resolved....I will keep everyone posted on how the new job goes.

I know my mom's health will be an ongoing battle. Prayers are appreciated.

I am not a dentist!

In reaction to my state of stress and burn-out, I have submitted at least 7 online resumes/applications in the past 3 days. I honestly don't know if that sounds like alot or a little. I also am not sure if it an effective way to cope as I fear that it will just add to my tension and frustration--you know, the waiting for replies. Lately I had been lucky to get a decent rate of replies from applications, but things get stalled there and phone interviews don't turn into face to face interviews, or first interviews don't turn into second interviews.


I think my technique is wrong. I heard on the John Tesh radio show (seriously, if you don't listen you should! it's really educational) that you should only spend about 40% of your time and efforts on online job hunting and the other 60% on networking--calling companies and/or people about potential jobs, looking for personal referrals, as they say these days that's how people are getting hired. I probably have done about 95% online hunting and 5% networking. Things that make your go hmmmmmmmm....


In slightly related news, there is the ongoing saga of the family who keeps telling my supervisor and now the psychiatrist that they want a new therapist, but to my face they are singing a different tune. To me they said they thought changing therapists wouldn't really help because the girl doesn't want to be in therapy anyway and they don't think will talk to anyone. I tend to agree with this statement. She's been in therapy for over a year and while sometimes she is more agreeable than others, most of the time she's either quiet or loudly whining and groaning. And keep in mind that she is 17. She is actually a beautiful girl, apparently very smart, but she also has some pretty serious mental health problems that she doesn't want to deal with. And I have been what I feel is very accomodating to this family, have tried to engage this girl, so at this point if they want someone else to take a crack at her, I say go ahead. I just dread the thought that it will turn into a BIG DEAL with my supervisor and all of the potential fall out. Plus I can't help but to take it personally, when I know that my supervisor even said they told her that I was just "so nice and kind", but long story short they want someone more "strong and firm" who can "make the client talk." Because that will definitely help. Urgh!


This is another point of contention with me working with kids...when I get the parents dragging their kids to therapy who really want their kid to be in "boot camp" because they need their child to "learn discipline and respect." These parents are looking at me as the therapist to be more like a drill sergeant or probation officer. I think I need to give parents a disclaimer in our first session that I am neither; it's not my style, my theoretical orientation, or personality. I have learned to be confrontive at times, but still my idea of being confrontive is still pretty "gentle." I am naturally just a soft spoken person, and my style of therapy is more of the "how did that make you feel" approach. And, to boot, I am short, 5'4" in heels if I am lucky, which makes me pretty much the opposite of intimidating. I also have often told parents I am not a dentist so I don't pull teeth--that is, if a kid doesn't want to talk or isn't going to I can't force them to drag it out. I give them lots of patience, understanding, prompting, and plenty of opportunities to talk, but if they can't or won't I am not a dentist, magician, or mind reader.


So, that being said, I will try to keep my head high and roll with the changes, as the wise members of REO would say.

Perspective

So yesterday I was in a pretty negative place regarding my job, career, employer. It's interesting how all those three words seem synonomous, but they really aren't the same things at all.


Anyway, today I woke up feeling a little more positive, even though I work 1:00pm to 9:00pm today and somehow have overbooked my schedule. I was in a slow line at the grocery store this morning and started contemplating my complaints about my job. Several different realizations developed.


I have pretty much been complaining about my job since I graduated from grad school. I have periods of time feeling a little more settled and secure, but even when I was working in Central Illinois I was job hunting for something "better."


I think of people I know-- my parents, my husband's parents, my friends' parents--and wonder how many of them worked for years, maybe decades, at a job they didn't like or even hated, just to provide for their family, pay the bills, maintain insurance, put food on the table. I think of my dad, who, at 66, still doesn't seem to know what he wants to be when he grows up. He worked many different jobs over the years, I know he sometimes did jobs he didn't enjoy but he did it to provide for his family. I think of people working in factories, working overnights, working at whatever job they could find. Not because they loved the work but because they loved their people at home.


Somehow, over the years, the myth emerged that a happy and fulfilled person should love their job. Yet I think of the people I know and how many of them truly love what they do for a living? Not too many. Or perhaps they love what they do but not where they do it or who they do it with. But day in and day out they go to work and deal with it. It's the hard thing to do, but it's the noble thing to do too.

So maybe it is completely unrealistic that I will have a job I love or love what I do. Truly most days I have liked doing counseling with children and adolescents. I think lately it's just been overwhelming and hit a point where my frustrations are just boiling over. I think this stems from lately having to deal with a few too many crises and not enough feeling extremely helpful or effective. Oh yeah, and yet another instance of a family member of one of my clients questioning if I am "effective", which makes me question my abilities all over again. Somehow I forget all of the clients I have worked with "effectively", who have made changes and have gotten better...


Meanwhile, I will continue to job hunt and just try to muddle through. I know in the long run it is the noble thing to do.

Burn out

So, as all good things must come to an end, I begrudgingly went back to work last Wednesday.


Upon my return I feared masses of voicemails and emails and old fashioned mail full of demands and commands and questions needing answered, but I was pleasantly surprised to have only 6 voicemails, thirty some-odd emails (mostly being stuff I could delete--mass all staff emails or invitations for trainings or meetings I don't need to attend but seem to go to everyone--), and a non-overflowing mailbox. Also somehow I seemed to have more cancellations than usual, so Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday ended up being pretty slow days, client-wise. I did have a mass of overdue and soon to be due paperwork to catch up on, but my motivation has been at a record low, so I have been filling up my time doing a little bit here and there and spending the rest of my time surfing the net and catching up on all those odd errands that I put off doing because I was too busy.


I had hoped that a week off would have me returning to work feeling refreshed and rejuvenated. But this is not the case. In fact, after coming back my spirits seem to be lower than ever. Not only do I dread coming to my office, dread meeting with my supervisor, dread working three evening shifts, and dread being on-call, but I realized that I am losing my passion for working with children and adolescents and am feeling burned out.


I was always warned of the high rate of burn out in the child/adolescent arena. I have fought it for five years, telling myself those wise things that previous co-workers told me ("anything you do is therapeutic with a child", "for some of these kids, you are the only person they have got to talk to", "sometimes you are part of the baby steps toward their progress, maybe they don't get it this time, but maybe they will next time", "you are walking besides them during the tough times in their life").


After you've worked with children and adolescents for awhile, you truly understand why the burn out rate is so high. Half of them don't want to be in counseling, but their parent/guardian is making them. The other half don't agree on what is the problem, what are the goals of therapy, or how to best deal with the problem. Their parent is probably telling me that their child has "anger issues" or a "bad attitude" or "no respect." The kid is probably saying they "hate their parent/step parent, parent's boyfriend or girlfriend, that no one understands them, that talking to someone doesn't help." Upon further inspection, almost always there are underlying problems going on. The kids I work with rarely have lived a "normal" childhood. Many are raised by a single parent, some by grandparents. Many had parents using drugs or alcohol when they were conceived or when they were young. Many moved once a year every year of their young life. All of this impacts normal child development, the development of healthy attachment, the healthy ability to regulate emotions and behavior. The child gets older and starts having "problems." We end up labeling the symptoms as a mood disorder, an anxiety disorder, a behavior disorder, an adjustment disorder. Depending on the family's level of understanding and insight, they might be able to recognize the underlying issues and actually address the root of the problem. But for most this is not the case. They focus on the current problems, focus on the need for medication, focus on how therapy is absolutely necessary or isn't helping at all. Few parents/caretakers take any responsibility or role in the process of change. They want me to fix their kid. And they don't understand when I don't. They don't understand that change can be a slow process. The almighty State of Illinois and it's lovely Medicaid system also doesn't understand that change is a slow process. Teach coping skills, get them in, get them stable, and get them out. All of these pressures. Little positive reinforcement. They leave me feeling like "what's the point, what good am I doing to anyone here?"


I used to get enough positive reinforcement with the occasional hug, the occasional "thank you", the knowing in my heart a child benefitted from something we said or did together, even if their parent, guardian, or teacher didn't agree. But lately it's not been enough. I feel drained and less and less hopeful about continuing on in this field, or at least in the child/adolescent arena. At least with adults they have to answer for themselves. I need a change and need it badly. I can feel myself not caring and not doing my best, which isn't fair to my clients. I keep searching for a new job, but no luck. Not in this economy, where jobs are being cut every day and social services have lost funding.


Maybe it's time to change fields, but that would likely involve quitting work or going part-time, more schooling and taking out student loans. Not the best plan when you have a mortgage and bills and your husband is also in the social service field (meaning we are both overworked and underpaid!).


Until now I just have to get by a day at a time.

Waiting...

If I can just make it through the next 13 hours I will be on vacation!

The term "vacation" seems deceiving, as I am not going anywhere tropical or exotic or far away. It resulted out of a combination of needing to take so many unpaid days off by the end of September (thanks to the lovely economy), having a LOT of unused vacation time to use before the end of the year, and also really needing a big fat BREAK from solving the problems of south suburban Chicago youth (on public aid insurance).  But I do have plans to do some chillin', some exploration of Chicagoland landmarks I have yet to explore, a visit from a good friend...looking forward to it all!

So of course today as I am trying wrap things up at the office, during my final session of the day the guardian storms out of the office, tells me I "can have her" (his adoptive daughter) and leaves the premises. He eventually comes back, upset, not wanting to take her home, so I grab my supervisor to do a safety plan. She was surprisingly helpful and supportive. We came up with a plan for them to leave together safely and agreeably. I ended up staying 35 minutes over, but it had to be done. They couldn't leave in that state.

Now I am on-call til 8am.

So I wait....(big sigh)

Hopefully later I will have more updates and some stories of my stay-cation!

So I've been a little preoccupied...

Last week was a LONG and trying week.

Let's just say work has taken a turn. I said too many times "my boss has been better lately", "better" meaning a little less control freak micro-managing neurotically critical, hovering, and just "bossy". And last week it came back to bite me in the ass with email after email after voice message about this and that and the other. Although I have to take responsibility for some things too...some situations where I could have made better choices or at least kept her informed instead of feeling I should or could handle it by myself. Is that pride? Pride tends to get us in trouble.

Of course all of this is going on and my clients are running away, tantruming, threatening their parents, parents threatening to put them in the hospital, etc. etc. All my kids seemed to blow up last week.

Then there's my mom. Oh where to start? She was hospitalized for three days after complaining she felt dizzy, apparently her blood sugar was low, among other things like her potassium, hemoglobin, iron. Bascially her body is completely out of whack. It is because my mom has an eating disorder, coupled with a stomach ulcer, acid reflux, and a lifetime of depression, anxiety, and other mental health problems. She has had the eating disorder openly for like 6 years now and really isn't getting any better. She's in therapy but honestly I don't think it's helping, simply because she isn't using it to change. I don't think she is ready or wants to. So all last week I am talking to her on the phone, trying to encourage her but myself feeling pretty hopeless. This must be how it feels to be family member of a chronic drug user. They say they will try and get better and just keep on going out and getting high. I went to see her this past weekend and just didn't even know what to say most of the time, though I could say it plainly to my husband, my brother, my friends. I fear mom isn't going to be around much longer, that she's choosing this fate, and that I just have to accept it.

I wish it weren't the case but it is.

Yesterday was another LONG work day. I am trying to stay positive as much as possible but it is so hard right now. The only things I have to look forward to are a week off coming up soon, though I wish it were sooner.

Let's just see what the rest of this week brings.

Pet peeves and general rants

Happy Friday!

Do you notice how people are never quite happy with the weather? It's always either too hot, too cold, too wet, too dry. Luckily here in Illinois if you don't like the weather just wait a day and it's bound to change, or so they say. It's been an unseasonably cool July here in Chicagoland. Personally, I am enjoying this bought of slightly cooler, drier weather. I know it's July and it should be 90 degrees with 100% humidity, but hey, I don't have a pool, a boat, or a million dollars to spend air conditioning my house. Plus I just love being able to sleep with the windows open!

On that note, just a few general rants to start off my Friday. Today is the last day for some of my co-workers. About half of the people initially who were given lay off notices were called back due to changes in the state budget, which was a blessing. However, for those leaving today, the feeling is bittersweet.

On another work related note, last week I experienced a week long bought of severe burn out. I heard long ago when I said those magic words "I want to work with kids" that there is a high rate of burn out for clinicians working with children. Last week I felt it--in my aching neck and shoulders, my exhausted body, my short temper, my cloudy mind. My patience was very low. I just wanted to say to parents, "sorry, your kid is a brat, what do you want me to do about it? maybe if you were home more, maybe if you didn't have 5 different boyfriends in 5 years" or "sorry, your kid is hyperactive. You shouldn't have smoked while you were pregnant" (I believe research states this is true, but if not I have enough anecdotal evidence to back this one up) and I wanted to tell a few of my kids "quit whining! grow up! tell the truth! take a bath! bullshit! or WTF???"

EEEEK!

Not so therapeutic. Luckily, I never expressed any of these thoughts to my clients. Though, for some of them, hearing the brutal truth may be what they need....therapy is so weird sometimes! I work with kids for several months, maybe a year. Sometimes I see them grow and change, if I am lucky I see their parent grow and change too. Sometimes I see change, and the parent insists there is none. I hear the same complaints week after week, I listen, empathize, give suggestions. Nothing changes. Are we wasting every one's time? I even asked a client and mother this last night. They never said yes. If anything, I try to help a kid recognize their own strengths and talents. I figure even if my client and their parent continue duking it out at home hopefully he/she will remember someday that someone helped them to see the good they have inside. Everyone has some, I do believe that.

On a less serious but more acutely annoying note, I HATE when I leave people voice messages and they either never call me back or they call back but CLEARLY didn't listen to my message. So annoying! You see you have a message, listen to it. Parents of my clients do this all the time!!! I leave messages with appointment times, and clearly they didn't listen to it. I have learned to never leave my parents voicemails on their cell phones. I have shown them each like a hundred times how to check voicemail and they still can't do it. So I leave them a message on their old school home answering machine, which they still barely check, but at least know how.

Also, I HATE when you go on interviews and they say they will call you to let you know when they have made a decision. In my experience, this rarely happens. If you are lucky, three months later you get a form letter or email that says sorry, someone else was better qualified, but best of luck in your career search. I HATE even more when you email or call and leave messages with the people who interviewed you, who say at the end of your interview to contact them with any questions, and they never respond. I guess I wouldn't want to have to call someone and say "sorry, we didn't hire you" but at least you can send a nice, impersonal email! Silence often speaks volumes, but I would rather just know for sure to move on. However, recently I did get a return message from an interviewer that someone else was hired, and I told her that I really appreciated her calling me back. And I did.

Another major pet peeve--bad spelling of common words and misused grammar. I am talking simple grammar, like using words like there and their incorrectly. Or when my boss sends out memos or emails with misspelled words, Word and Outlook do have Spell Check. I know how famous people like JFK supposedly were horrible spellers and still succeeded, and I don't expect people to know how to spell words you would find on the GRE vocab test, but seriously, come on! It drives me a little nutty!

Anyway, so I guess I should get back to work.

Hitting Home Part II

Today several people at my work got their 30 day notice. I was not one of them. In a twist of fate, luck, or what have it, my program was completely spared. Apparently the state will continue funding our program at the same rate as last year. But other programs were not as fortunate. Needless to say it was a tense and somber atmosphere. I feel lucky, but guilty at the same time, for staying behind and for also not feeling as grateful as I should for still having my job.

The worst thing I heard though was that over that past weekend, a former adult client of the agency committed suicide. Apparently, they were told last week that their services were ending and they felt they had no one else. I heard this story second hand, so I don't know all of the details. Whatever happened, it is tragic.

The whole situation is tragic.

Hitting home

Last week at work the President of my agency called two emergency meetings. The first was to announce that due to the State of Illinois budget crisis, major funding cuts were looming and if passed this would lead to many programs being eliminated or reduced and possible layoffs. The second meeting stated with more certainty that 25% of the staff would be layed off and the announcements of who would be cut come this Tuesday and Wednesday. Pretty bleak news. Unfortunately it's happening all over the State, social service agencies are laying off staff or even closing their doors. The State can't balance it's budget and the current "solution" is to slash funding for social services. Everyone I have talked to feels that in the long run this will make things worse, ERs will be overflowing, mentally ill and disabled will be without services and out on the streets, chaos.

A co-worker said her supervisor hinted that our programs would be OK and survive the cuts. I don't know how to feel. I know several co-workers who have gotten all but the official news that their programs are being eliminated. If I stay, I will probably feel guilty. And I am always complaining about my job anyway, so being layed off and eligible for unemployment while searching for a new job might be a blessing in disguise. Of course finding a job will be hell, since I would be competing with thousands of other laid off social workers and counselors and would have to seek employment somewhere NOT funded by the state...

Unfortunately my husband works in social services too and his agency is facing the same cuts.
The bad economy is definitely hitting home.

Man, I am tired.

For the third shift in a row, I got a crisis call at 3 in the morning (and that line in that Pink song keeps playing in my head, "I don't want to be that call at three o'clock in the morning"). This one came after an earlier call where I started at the teenager's home, ended up at the local police station after she took off out the front door.

Somedays I just can't help but to feel like I am fighting a losing battle. Me, the counselor, the therapist, the one educated in psychology, the so-called science of individual human behavior, battling against the overwhelming forces of the sciences of evolution, sociology, economics and politics. After all, the economy and politics drive our health care system and client's availablity to services like psychological counseling. And of course society, social mores, and social expectations hugely impact the behavior of even the most independently minded individuals. It can't not...unless you live in a cave or in Antarctica. And of course the forces of evolution. No matter how highly we humans may think of ourselves, while we are created in God's image, part of us is still very animal-like and full of the impulses to be angry, aggressive, to fight, to flee...

Who can fight this?
______________________________________________

But then one day last week I unexpectedly ran into one of my clients, a little 6 year old girl and her 5 year old sister, in the lobby of my office and both ran up and gave me a hug. Little kid hugs are the best. Days when I see a child show and receive love, well, then I know maybe it's not all in vain.

Saturday morning alpha-bits

So I had thought I would make an attempt to start my garden today, as the forecast said it would be near 80 degrees today. However, I ended up switching a shift to be on-call today instead of tomorrow (I have a bridal shower to go to tomorrow for my husband's cousin). I was imagining myself being outside today, covered in dirt, as my pager goes, "do-da-DA-DO-do". However, at least right now, mother nature is putting a stop to all of it, as it's raining and appears to be ready to really thunderstorm. Maybe tomorrow after the shower?

I continue job hunting, though it seems to be in vain. During my most recent job pursuit, I have continued to send out copies of my resume, mostly via email and mostly though Careerbuilder.com. So far, I have gotten zero responses. Back when I first was finishing grad school and job hunting I only sent hard copies of my resume, now most jobs you find online say you can fax or email a resume. I can't help but wondering does it really get to the intended viewer? Do they really check all those emails? But I guess a hard copy can just as easily be pushed aside or filed in the circular bin. I know it's a tough economy and my resume is competing with probably a 100 others for one job, people with more experience than I. It's still extremely disheartening.

I also can't help to wonder when I send an email through Careerbuilder, what are they actually sending to the potential employer? I use Careerbuilder for free, but they have upgraded resume packages that obviously they want you to buy. Do they trick you into thinking you need to buy the upgrade after two years of no responses to sending your resume the standard way? Are they really sending employers a giant picture of a clown face? I know my resume isn't flawless, but there are times I have applied for jobs for which I am definitely over qualified and still didn't get a call. I just don't get it.

Maybe God is trying to tell me to stay where I am at. Even though there are many reasons I don't want to. Maybe it's part of the bigger plan. Sigh.

As a follow up to my last blog, I spoke with the counselor from the crisis program who took back myclient who had been hospitalized, the one whose mother said I "wasn't effective." I now realize those were probably the words of the progress note writer, not a direct quote from the mom. The crisis counselor said that mom thought the client didn't want to talk to me because I seemed too young and too close to her age. I had to laugh at this. I wonder how old they think I am? I am going to be 30 this year, I have been out of grad school for 5 years, but I often still get labeled as fresh out of school, or even a student. In a society obsessed with eternal youth, I have often viewed looking younger than my age as a blessing; however, a friend of mine pointed out that it can be a curse too, that people don't take you seriously. And I definitely see that side of the coin too. It probably doesn't help that I am also short, soft-spoken, and frequently laugh or smile nervously. These are probably why the handful of job interviews I have been on in the past year or so haven't lead to follow-up interviews or offers. Who wants to hire a big kid? If only I could use my child-like qualities to my ultimate advantage...hmmm...what would that be?

This past week

Ah, it's been a long, mixed up week. Here's a synopsis of all of the things going on since I last wrote....

*Work--chart audits = stress!! But, thank goodness, the audit was not as bad as I thought it would be. I imagined a workplace full of tension and stress and it seemed fairly normal. But the rest of the week I was dealing with a few client crises and chronically annoying situations that I just need to suck it up and deal with once and for all! However, one night after work I did go out for dinner with some co-workers to Rock Bottom. We vented and exchanged stories about my supervisor (who is unanimously voted as the worst boss in history!) I tried some kind of wheat ale and realized fancy beer isn't my thing (I like an occasional Corona or Bud Lite or Blue Moon.) Either way it was nice to socialize with co-workers, who I am around all the time but we are all so busy it's hard to take time to enjoy each other's company!

*Our Anniversary--Tuesday was my 2nd wedding anniversary. I had planned to write a whole blog reflecting on two years of marriage, and I still plan to, just haven't gotten to it yet. My husband and I went out the weekend before, so the actual anniversary wasn't much of anything special, we both worked late shifts. I had hoped when I got home from work that perhaps my husband might have gotten me flowers (I bought him some candy and a small present), but alas there were none. Flowers are so cliched but don't they just make your day??

*My Mom--For the past few weeks my mom has been undergoing various medical tests. She passed out a few weeks ago and was feeling dizzy, so her doctor wanted to find out why. Now, to explain, my mom is 60 and is in pretty poor overall health. She has a combination of mental and physical health problems so intertwined it's difficult to say what her primary problem is. She's got depression, anxiety, an eating disorder, all of which have lead to ulcers in her stomach and esophagus, leading to acid reflux and more problems eating and digesting food. These problems have been going on as long as I can remember. Over my lifetime, she had a few surgeries to repair the opening of her stomach, which was scarred and irritated, and back in 2003 they removed a majority of her stomach because it was so scarred. I love my mom, but over my entire lifetime I have never really seen her take good care of herself and am accepting that she isn't going to start now. My husband and I went to visit her and my dad this past weekend, and I can't help but starting to emotionally detach from her. This situation has been weighing heavily on my mind, and I feel guilty for feeling this way.

Oh yeah, and it snowed again, and it's April! At least today felt more like spring. But I was spending it at work.

Why I am "working for the weekend"

Today I was sitting at work after my last client left feeling so frustrated! It's a frustrating case in many ways (that I won't elaborate on here), and I had just gotten an annoying email from my supervisor. The client I had scheduled after that had cancelled, so I spent the next hour combing through job search engines (probably not what they pay me for).

Ever since I moved to the Chicago suburbs, I have worked at the same mental health agency. I took the job with the idea that it would just be a starting point, that I would work there for awhile and hopefully launch into something "better". So I have been job hunting with various degrees of causalness and seriousness over the past nearly two years. I have sent my resume via email to more places than I can count, and multiple other times through websites like Careerbuilder.com. So many places that have never called or emailed back. My credentials and experience seem to be floating around endlessly in cyberspace. I even started going old fashioned and mailing out hard copies of my resume, with the same results. Over the past two years, I have been lucky enough to have had five job interviews (six if you count a phone interview), only one of which lead to a follow up, which unfortunately, due to the economy, they could only offer part time employment.

I think of all the reasons I want to leave my current job: the hours, the on-call, my supervisor and her passive-aggressive micro-managing, the ever-changing and increasing demands of the state on how we document our work, the ever increasing paperwork and likewise increasing limits on services we can provide. Stress. Ugh!

Then I think of what I do like, mainly...the clients. Not all of them, but many of them, most of them, even the ones that tend to be "pains" (clinical term) I typically can find something about them to like. I think of the ones I have helped, the ones who have made progress, the ones who I feel have really let me into their lives and developed a good working therapeutic relationship, the ones I have felt privileged to help, the ones who are so young, going through so much, and pushing on.

I try to think that there's some bigger reason why I am still there, something in God's plan...maybe it's the clients I am still working with, or future ones I have yet to meet. It's the only way to keep myself hopeful and not get burned out.

Meanwhile though I just wait for Friday to come...

Some updates

So I realized I am supposed to be chronicling the progress on goals and ideas referenced in previous entries. So, here it goes...

No hobby yet. I did bake a cake (from a box) for my husband's birthday several weeks ago. I think if I want to learn to bake "fancy" things I might have to look for a class. However, I seriously think as it gets warmer I will be planting a garden. The question now is flowers or veggies?

Regarding working out more, last week I went to they gym once, same the week before. In my defense, I planned to work out last Thursday but ended up going to the doctor (only to find out there's nothing wrong with me), and I also planned to go again on Saturday but I woke up feeling kind of dizzy and lightheaded (still not sure why). I thought working out would either make this significantly worse or possibly better, so I ended up taking the lazy way out and snuggled up with the hubby til I felt better. And Sunday I was on-call, though I had no calls until later in the evening, so I had all morning when I could have gone, but I always fear that if I actually went to the gym that the second I get on the treadmill my pager will go off. Rationalization? This week I went to the gym Tuesday and got pretty sweaty, and I plan to eat breakfast and go here soon.

Did I mention that doctor's scales always add an additional 5 pounds? They have to. Last week when I went I was apalled by the number I saw come up. Do my clothes and shoes weigh that much? Either way, I am still hoping to lose 5-7 pounds. So you can see my motivation for making my Lenten resolution to cut out fast food. I will keep you posted on that one!

Thoughts about the job

Another long week of work is over. And before I know it another one will begin. It's the never-ending cycle of waiting for the weekend, and then it's gone and it's Monday again. (Cue "Manic Monday" by the Bangles in the backgroud).



I am always complaining about some aspect of my job. My boss. The hours. Being on-call. Nasty parents. But a few thoughts occurred to me this week. One being in this economy, when people everywhere are being laid off, I should just be thankful to still have a job. Even if it's not the dream job, the career job, it pays me twice a month and supplies my insurance and helps me keep the roof over my head, so I do have that to be thankful for.



The other thought occurred to me one day as I looked at my desk and realized that a fourth of it was covered in Lego creations, several "works in progress" made by clients while coming in to see me. And I realized that many days I get paid to play, color, and create things with kids, and how great is that?! Unfortunately this is only a section of my caseload, the kids between the ages 4 and about 11.



For the pre-teens and teenagers it's usually a different ballgame. They are usually the kids coming in with higher risk behaviors and issues. For some of these kids I feel like I can really talk to them heart to heart about the tough issues at the core of whatever is going on with them. I feel like I am really doing therapy. And for others it's like pulling teeth. Suddenly I am the dentist.



Other days I am the referee. The other night, during my last session of the evening the mom and daughter were screaming at each other and crying in my office. When they finally calmed down and were able to leave, I wondered if anything done in that session was actually helpful. But the following night, another mom and daughter were in my office having an emotional discussion, tears started flowing, (no screaming, thank God) and I felt it was extremely helpful because they brought up and discussed some really important things.

Being a therapist is such a strange job. We try to make it sound like a science by developing fancy sounding theories and techniques and doing research to say what is or is not effective, but the more I do it, the more I realize that therapy is an art. Somedays I paint along with my kids, some days I watch them paint. And what is created is up for interpretation.

On-Call

Can I just start off by saying that posting blogs is becoming addicting? (I think it's the false sense of self-importance it creates. Oh well, it's been a good way to get random thoughts off my mind).

Tonight I am "on-call" for work. Right now I am killing time, just waiting for the pager to go off. Can I just say that I HATE waiting for the pager to go off. It makes me anxious and on-edge, the whole not knowing when or if it will go off. I like to act like I can predict the patterns of calls, when I will get several, when I will get none. More often than not on a Monday night I will get at least one call, if not 2 or 3. Tonight so far it's quiet. (When I say that, I feel like I am jinxing myself). My debate is do I try to go to bed now and get some sleep in case I get a call at 2 or 3 am? Do I just stay up and wait?

Being on-call means different things for different professions. Most commonly, you probably have seen medical doctors on-call on shows like ER or Scrubs. (However, I have never been exactly sure what this logistically entails. I should consult my pediatrician friend who lives in California to find out more.) I have even heard of IT guys being on-call and in the middle of the night having to fix important complicated computer-related problematic stuff.



That being said, in my profession as a child/adolescent counselor, I am "on-call" a few days a month to provide "crisis intervention and pre-hospitalization screenings." As my brother-in-law jokes, my job is "talking people off of bridges or buildings." But in reality, I have never talked anyone down from a ledge, a bridge, told anyone to put down a gun or a knife, or anything else within the realm of high-intense drama (which, by all accounts, is a good thing! I am not sure how I would handle it, or how it would affect me). In fact, 95% of the time when the pager goes off, I am going to an emergency room where a kid has ended up after the dramatic precipitating event (such as a threat or gesture of suicide or homicide, extreme aggression, running away, actual psychotic behavior--not to be confused with people mislabeling irrational behaviors as 'psychotic'--), usually after the police or an ambulance brought them there and after they have been waiting in the ER (which I should say that going to an ER feels much safer than going to a suicidal or homicidally raging kid's house in the middle of the night!) Typically, by the time I get to the ER, the doc or social worker there have already decided the kid's fate, that the kid needs to be transferred to a psychiatric unit, and the vast majority of my time is not so much crisis intervention as time spent contacting hospitals and finding an available bed. Oh, and completing an insane amount of paperwork and signature gathering. (Trust me, kids usually refuse to sign papers recommending they go to a psychiatric hospital, and sometimes parents sometimes don't either).



Now, don't get me wrong, very often the kid I see at the ER is one who does need immediate help, who is crying out for help by their words, their actions, their choices. And hopefully I am helping them in some way, but often I leave and drive home feeling exhausted, drained, and not sure how I feel about the outcome. Probably because I don't usually get a "thank you for your help" or any other kind of warm fuzzy response. Usually the kid and their parent are angry and upset with me that they are being transferred to a psych unit (however, only once did a kid yell and curse at me and he did it when I was out of his room and down the hall). In a few cases, I did leave feeling like I really made a difference, usually those atypical ones when I go to a kid's home, maybe because I have felt more in charge of the situation.



Maybe my focus is wrong, because it shouldn't be about how I feel at all.



Meanwhile, I just wait for the damn pager to go off...