Wow, so it's really been awhile. So much has been going on lately that I have had to neglect a few things, one being my blog. So here's a run down of events.
(WARNING: Reading the following blog may induce symptoms similar to Bipolar Disorder)
1) I FINALLY GOT A NEW JOB!!!! Hallelujah!! After over a year of searching and interviewing, last week I finally got the call that I was being offered a new job. Intially it felt surreal--after so many interviews, so many times leaving the interview feeling confident, only to have follow up calls and emails not returned, and then only to get the form letter or generic email that the position was filled with someone whose "qualifications most closely match those of the position"--finally I was that person whose qualifications matched the job. In the past week I have thought of those others who applied for this position and were never even called for a first interview, and those who went to interviews and then didn't get the call backs or those who went for a few interviews never to get the final call. I felt for them, being through it so many times. I try to rationalize that everything happens in its own time and for a reason and that this was finally my time and my season.
So this Monday I gave my boss the letter I have been wishing I could give her for over a year, that I am resigning. She took it shockingly well. I think she might have known it was coming. More on that later.
By the way, in case you are curious, my new position is working as a therapist through a hospital doing an intensive outpatient therapy program for adolescents. I have always found adolescents to be challenging; in some ways I enjoy them the most, because unlike little children you can do more "real" therapy with them, if they are willing to engage--which brings up the challenge--IF they are willing to engage! Nothing is more difficult than a bratty 15 year staring you down and refusing to talk. So, we'll see. I will miss the little ones, I love working with little kids and doing lots of my own brand of art and play therapy, which in the end usually feels more like having play dates than therapy. But I am so excited for working 8:30-5:00pm Monday-Friday, NO on-call shifts, and NO home visits.
I know no job is perfect and that this one won't be either, that I will have bad days and tough days, but I hope and pray that it's a better experience than my current place of employment (though I do have several co-workers I will miss and some clients too). I just hope this is a place where I can finally take root and get comfortable and feel like I can stay awhile and grow professionally.
Thanks to all my friends and family for their support during this long job search process!
2) So before and during all of that, my mom has been in and out of the hospital. I can't even recall where I left off describing that saga--she's been in for psychiatric treatment and then in again for medical treatment. Without going into lots of details of her personal information, which I am sure she wouldn't want me to share on the internet (well, maybe she wouldn't care, she does tend to be an open book with others about her multitude of illnesses), her physical and mental health have been up and down (mostly down) and it's been pretty hard on me. I now live about four hours away from her and I am torn, I feel guilty and wish I were closer to see her and help out more, but if I were it would probably consume my life, trying to help her and she's really at the point she needs help but she really needs to help herself. She has become pretty dependent on others to monitor her health and to care for her rather than her take charge and care for herself, which is part of the problem, and what a complex problem it is. I think I will leave it at that, rather than go into all the details.
3) And so while all of this was going on I have had some encounters with my boss that were pretty negative. Actually they could have been worse in many ways, but they definitely didn't make for a friendly work environment. Basically she scolded me several times for not keeping her up to date on issues with some of my clients and for doing things without "supervisor approval" (which for her pretty much everything needs her approval). I do understand that supervisors have obvious responsibilities and I should have done better at communicating with her about several issues. But it's really hard when you have a boss who 90% is cold and judgemental and is kind and supportive only about 10% of the time. It's a crap shoot and makes difficult situations even that much harder. Once I leave this job, if I never hear the term "supervisor approval" again I will be very happy. Luckily the people I interviewed with at my new job seem pretty relaxed and hopefully will let me work more autonomously. I feel like the more I work independently the more confident I am in what I do, instead of everything being "I have to check my with supervisor on that." Ick!
I realize that these are some of the main issues I have tended to blog about--job hunting, work, and my mom's health. Finally the work/job hunt issue gets resolved....I will keep everyone posted on how the new job goes.
I know my mom's health will be an ongoing battle. Prayers are appreciated.
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
So I've been a little preoccupied...
Last week was a LONG and trying week.
Let's just say work has taken a turn. I said too many times "my boss has been better lately", "better" meaning a little less control freak micro-managing neurotically critical, hovering, and just "bossy". And last week it came back to bite me in the ass with email after email after voice message about this and that and the other. Although I have to take responsibility for some things too...some situations where I could have made better choices or at least kept her informed instead of feeling I should or could handle it by myself. Is that pride? Pride tends to get us in trouble.
Of course all of this is going on and my clients are running away, tantruming, threatening their parents, parents threatening to put them in the hospital, etc. etc. All my kids seemed to blow up last week.
Then there's my mom. Oh where to start? She was hospitalized for three days after complaining she felt dizzy, apparently her blood sugar was low, among other things like her potassium, hemoglobin, iron. Bascially her body is completely out of whack. It is because my mom has an eating disorder, coupled with a stomach ulcer, acid reflux, and a lifetime of depression, anxiety, and other mental health problems. She has had the eating disorder openly for like 6 years now and really isn't getting any better. She's in therapy but honestly I don't think it's helping, simply because she isn't using it to change. I don't think she is ready or wants to. So all last week I am talking to her on the phone, trying to encourage her but myself feeling pretty hopeless. This must be how it feels to be family member of a chronic drug user. They say they will try and get better and just keep on going out and getting high. I went to see her this past weekend and just didn't even know what to say most of the time, though I could say it plainly to my husband, my brother, my friends. I fear mom isn't going to be around much longer, that she's choosing this fate, and that I just have to accept it.
I wish it weren't the case but it is.
Yesterday was another LONG work day. I am trying to stay positive as much as possible but it is so hard right now. The only things I have to look forward to are a week off coming up soon, though I wish it were sooner.
Let's just see what the rest of this week brings.
Let's just say work has taken a turn. I said too many times "my boss has been better lately", "better" meaning a little less control freak micro-managing neurotically critical, hovering, and just "bossy". And last week it came back to bite me in the ass with email after email after voice message about this and that and the other. Although I have to take responsibility for some things too...some situations where I could have made better choices or at least kept her informed instead of feeling I should or could handle it by myself. Is that pride? Pride tends to get us in trouble.
Of course all of this is going on and my clients are running away, tantruming, threatening their parents, parents threatening to put them in the hospital, etc. etc. All my kids seemed to blow up last week.
Then there's my mom. Oh where to start? She was hospitalized for three days after complaining she felt dizzy, apparently her blood sugar was low, among other things like her potassium, hemoglobin, iron. Bascially her body is completely out of whack. It is because my mom has an eating disorder, coupled with a stomach ulcer, acid reflux, and a lifetime of depression, anxiety, and other mental health problems. She has had the eating disorder openly for like 6 years now and really isn't getting any better. She's in therapy but honestly I don't think it's helping, simply because she isn't using it to change. I don't think she is ready or wants to. So all last week I am talking to her on the phone, trying to encourage her but myself feeling pretty hopeless. This must be how it feels to be family member of a chronic drug user. They say they will try and get better and just keep on going out and getting high. I went to see her this past weekend and just didn't even know what to say most of the time, though I could say it plainly to my husband, my brother, my friends. I fear mom isn't going to be around much longer, that she's choosing this fate, and that I just have to accept it.
I wish it weren't the case but it is.
Yesterday was another LONG work day. I am trying to stay positive as much as possible but it is so hard right now. The only things I have to look forward to are a week off coming up soon, though I wish it were sooner.
Let's just see what the rest of this week brings.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Ah, the holidays...
I remember as a kid, holidays seemed so magical. I waited in excited anticipation for Santa, the Easter Bunny...what would they bring me this year?
Then came the fateful day when I found the present hidden in my parents' closet, the one tagged "To: Kara, From: Santa". Could this be?? In order to find out, I used some fierce detective work; secretly wiggling out teeth for the Toothfairy, leaving it under my pillow without telling my parents. No quarter. I wrote letters to Santa and stuck them in the front window so they could magically fly away to the North Pole (ala "Santa Claus: The Movie"), but didn't mention anything to mom or dad. The letters stayed (until I mentioned to mom or dad that I had written a letter, then suddenly they were gone.) It was true. Holidays would never be the same.
And ever since, holidays have increasingly lost their luster. And as my brother and I grew from young children to adolescents, holidays evolved from larger gatherings with my mother's aunts and cousins or my uncle and his family, to gatherings of simply my mom, dad, and brother. It was hard because all of my grandparents were deceased, and I know on the holidays my parents would miss them, especially my mom, as she often was depressed come holiday time.
As I have become an adult, holidays have seemed to become times mixed with stress; the stress of rushing up and down interstates and splitting time between families, ultimately short-changing someone; the tension of awkwardness and forced conversations, the endless monotony of eating. Initially, my husband's very loud, very boisterous, very Italian family was a nice change from my quiet and dull family holidays. But even as his extended family grows larger and larger, his father's side still insists on having large get-togethers that include all of his aunts and uncles and cousins and cousin's spouses/significant others and children. This all-day event of eating not just lunch, but lunch and dinner (leftovers), followed by playing poker has grown rather stale and boring. Every recent holiday I have felt the post-holiday let-down, the sigh of "well it's all over now" and the disappointment of "that's it?" Perhaps my expectations are too high. As I have said before, I am often guilty of not enjoying the moment.
My hope is that when my husband and I have our own children that the spirit and joy of holidays will be renewed, that I will feel refreshed and reinvigorated and excited to celebrate with my own little ones, and that we can create our own family holiday traditions to make it feel special and magical for them.
Then came the fateful day when I found the present hidden in my parents' closet, the one tagged "To: Kara, From: Santa". Could this be?? In order to find out, I used some fierce detective work; secretly wiggling out teeth for the Toothfairy, leaving it under my pillow without telling my parents. No quarter. I wrote letters to Santa and stuck them in the front window so they could magically fly away to the North Pole (ala "Santa Claus: The Movie"), but didn't mention anything to mom or dad. The letters stayed (until I mentioned to mom or dad that I had written a letter, then suddenly they were gone.) It was true. Holidays would never be the same.
And ever since, holidays have increasingly lost their luster. And as my brother and I grew from young children to adolescents, holidays evolved from larger gatherings with my mother's aunts and cousins or my uncle and his family, to gatherings of simply my mom, dad, and brother. It was hard because all of my grandparents were deceased, and I know on the holidays my parents would miss them, especially my mom, as she often was depressed come holiday time.
As I have become an adult, holidays have seemed to become times mixed with stress; the stress of rushing up and down interstates and splitting time between families, ultimately short-changing someone; the tension of awkwardness and forced conversations, the endless monotony of eating. Initially, my husband's very loud, very boisterous, very Italian family was a nice change from my quiet and dull family holidays. But even as his extended family grows larger and larger, his father's side still insists on having large get-togethers that include all of his aunts and uncles and cousins and cousin's spouses/significant others and children. This all-day event of eating not just lunch, but lunch and dinner (leftovers), followed by playing poker has grown rather stale and boring. Every recent holiday I have felt the post-holiday let-down, the sigh of "well it's all over now" and the disappointment of "that's it?" Perhaps my expectations are too high. As I have said before, I am often guilty of not enjoying the moment.
My hope is that when my husband and I have our own children that the spirit and joy of holidays will be renewed, that I will feel refreshed and reinvigorated and excited to celebrate with my own little ones, and that we can create our own family holiday traditions to make it feel special and magical for them.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
This past week
Ah, it's been a long, mixed up week. Here's a synopsis of all of the things going on since I last wrote....
*Work--chart audits = stress!! But, thank goodness, the audit was not as bad as I thought it would be. I imagined a workplace full of tension and stress and it seemed fairly normal. But the rest of the week I was dealing with a few client crises and chronically annoying situations that I just need to suck it up and deal with once and for all! However, one night after work I did go out for dinner with some co-workers to Rock Bottom. We vented and exchanged stories about my supervisor (who is unanimously voted as the worst boss in history!) I tried some kind of wheat ale and realized fancy beer isn't my thing (I like an occasional Corona or Bud Lite or Blue Moon.) Either way it was nice to socialize with co-workers, who I am around all the time but we are all so busy it's hard to take time to enjoy each other's company!
*Our Anniversary--Tuesday was my 2nd wedding anniversary. I had planned to write a whole blog reflecting on two years of marriage, and I still plan to, just haven't gotten to it yet. My husband and I went out the weekend before, so the actual anniversary wasn't much of anything special, we both worked late shifts. I had hoped when I got home from work that perhaps my husband might have gotten me flowers (I bought him some candy and a small present), but alas there were none. Flowers are so cliched but don't they just make your day??
*My Mom--For the past few weeks my mom has been undergoing various medical tests. She passed out a few weeks ago and was feeling dizzy, so her doctor wanted to find out why. Now, to explain, my mom is 60 and is in pretty poor overall health. She has a combination of mental and physical health problems so intertwined it's difficult to say what her primary problem is. She's got depression, anxiety, an eating disorder, all of which have lead to ulcers in her stomach and esophagus, leading to acid reflux and more problems eating and digesting food. These problems have been going on as long as I can remember. Over my lifetime, she had a few surgeries to repair the opening of her stomach, which was scarred and irritated, and back in 2003 they removed a majority of her stomach because it was so scarred. I love my mom, but over my entire lifetime I have never really seen her take good care of herself and am accepting that she isn't going to start now. My husband and I went to visit her and my dad this past weekend, and I can't help but starting to emotionally detach from her. This situation has been weighing heavily on my mind, and I feel guilty for feeling this way.
Oh yeah, and it snowed again, and it's April! At least today felt more like spring. But I was spending it at work.
*Work--chart audits = stress!! But, thank goodness, the audit was not as bad as I thought it would be. I imagined a workplace full of tension and stress and it seemed fairly normal. But the rest of the week I was dealing with a few client crises and chronically annoying situations that I just need to suck it up and deal with once and for all! However, one night after work I did go out for dinner with some co-workers to Rock Bottom. We vented and exchanged stories about my supervisor (who is unanimously voted as the worst boss in history!) I tried some kind of wheat ale and realized fancy beer isn't my thing (I like an occasional Corona or Bud Lite or Blue Moon.) Either way it was nice to socialize with co-workers, who I am around all the time but we are all so busy it's hard to take time to enjoy each other's company!
*Our Anniversary--Tuesday was my 2nd wedding anniversary. I had planned to write a whole blog reflecting on two years of marriage, and I still plan to, just haven't gotten to it yet. My husband and I went out the weekend before, so the actual anniversary wasn't much of anything special, we both worked late shifts. I had hoped when I got home from work that perhaps my husband might have gotten me flowers (I bought him some candy and a small present), but alas there were none. Flowers are so cliched but don't they just make your day??
*My Mom--For the past few weeks my mom has been undergoing various medical tests. She passed out a few weeks ago and was feeling dizzy, so her doctor wanted to find out why. Now, to explain, my mom is 60 and is in pretty poor overall health. She has a combination of mental and physical health problems so intertwined it's difficult to say what her primary problem is. She's got depression, anxiety, an eating disorder, all of which have lead to ulcers in her stomach and esophagus, leading to acid reflux and more problems eating and digesting food. These problems have been going on as long as I can remember. Over my lifetime, she had a few surgeries to repair the opening of her stomach, which was scarred and irritated, and back in 2003 they removed a majority of her stomach because it was so scarred. I love my mom, but over my entire lifetime I have never really seen her take good care of herself and am accepting that she isn't going to start now. My husband and I went to visit her and my dad this past weekend, and I can't help but starting to emotionally detach from her. This situation has been weighing heavily on my mind, and I feel guilty for feeling this way.
Oh yeah, and it snowed again, and it's April! At least today felt more like spring. But I was spending it at work.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
This Past Weekend, or A Tale of Nephews, Wine, and Cake in Three Parts
So it was a busy weekend.
Since the holidays, my husband and I have had a good deal of "down time", which on one hand has been nice, but on the other hand gets boring after awhile, especially when it's been super cold outside...good conditions to develop a case of cabin fever. However, we made up for it this past weekend as suddenly family and social commitments smacked us in the face.
Friday-30th birthday party for a friend of ours, someone Michael met through work who we have hung out with outside of work here and there. We have met a few of her friends (yes, I said her, my husband tends to make lots of female friends and yes I completely trust him) who were there for awhile, but once they left we did too, as the majority of people there we did not know. But it was nice to enjoy a few sangrias, appetizers, and cake with someone who is really nice and we should hang out with more often.
Saturday-my nephew Dathan's 1st birthday party. In Decatur. 2.5 hours from where we live. But I was determined we would go, I only see my nephew every couple of months and though he won't remember it, he only turns 1 once. So we drove, had a failed attempt to meet up with my parents for lunch beforehand (as we were there later than expected and they [scratch that, my mom, the queen of anxiety] were anxious to get to the party, though my husband and I went ahead and ate and arrived 10 minutes after the party started). Can I just say my nephew is such a sweet, cute, precious little guy? His blonde hair has grown into curls and he has bright blue eyes--very Arayan. But he's a smiley, happy little fellow and I wish I could just steal him away for a weekend and spend some quality aunt-nephew time together. OK, don't get creeped out, I am not a kidnapper. I just realize I wish I saw him more. So the party was nice, more cake, ice cream, and opening cute baby/toddler presents. Then driving 2.5 hours home. Which we had to because-
Sunday-my husband's cousin's engagement party. Scratch that, mini wedding reception. All joking aside, it was a lovely party. But before I met my husband I had never even heard of "engagement parties", but they are a must in his family, not sure if it's an Italian tradition or a Chicagoan tradition...we had one, well actually two; a small one back home for family and friends that wouldn't want to make the drive to the Chicago suburbs, and then one up here for my husband's family and friends and the wedding party. It was a nice lunch at a restaurant. The one on Sunday was at a reception hall complete with an open bar and bottles of wine on the tables, a d.j., and dancing. Plus, you might have guessed it, more cake! And a giant sweet table! Good thing I didn't give up sweets for Lent! All in all, it was fun, we got to spend more time with our other nephews, Patrick (age 3) and Luke (2 months) and see other family and friends we haven't seen since we've been in winter hibernation.
So all, in all...
nephews = good!
wine = good!
cake = good!
However, after this weekend, I am definitely going to have to go on a mini-diet!
Since the holidays, my husband and I have had a good deal of "down time", which on one hand has been nice, but on the other hand gets boring after awhile, especially when it's been super cold outside...good conditions to develop a case of cabin fever. However, we made up for it this past weekend as suddenly family and social commitments smacked us in the face.
Friday-30th birthday party for a friend of ours, someone Michael met through work who we have hung out with outside of work here and there. We have met a few of her friends (yes, I said her, my husband tends to make lots of female friends and yes I completely trust him) who were there for awhile, but once they left we did too, as the majority of people there we did not know. But it was nice to enjoy a few sangrias, appetizers, and cake with someone who is really nice and we should hang out with more often.
Saturday-my nephew Dathan's 1st birthday party. In Decatur. 2.5 hours from where we live. But I was determined we would go, I only see my nephew every couple of months and though he won't remember it, he only turns 1 once. So we drove, had a failed attempt to meet up with my parents for lunch beforehand (as we were there later than expected and they [scratch that, my mom, the queen of anxiety] were anxious to get to the party, though my husband and I went ahead and ate and arrived 10 minutes after the party started). Can I just say my nephew is such a sweet, cute, precious little guy? His blonde hair has grown into curls and he has bright blue eyes--very Arayan. But he's a smiley, happy little fellow and I wish I could just steal him away for a weekend and spend some quality aunt-nephew time together. OK, don't get creeped out, I am not a kidnapper. I just realize I wish I saw him more. So the party was nice, more cake, ice cream, and opening cute baby/toddler presents. Then driving 2.5 hours home. Which we had to because-
Sunday-my husband's cousin's engagement party. Scratch that, mini wedding reception. All joking aside, it was a lovely party. But before I met my husband I had never even heard of "engagement parties", but they are a must in his family, not sure if it's an Italian tradition or a Chicagoan tradition...we had one, well actually two; a small one back home for family and friends that wouldn't want to make the drive to the Chicago suburbs, and then one up here for my husband's family and friends and the wedding party. It was a nice lunch at a restaurant. The one on Sunday was at a reception hall complete with an open bar and bottles of wine on the tables, a d.j., and dancing. Plus, you might have guessed it, more cake! And a giant sweet table! Good thing I didn't give up sweets for Lent! All in all, it was fun, we got to spend more time with our other nephews, Patrick (age 3) and Luke (2 months) and see other family and friends we haven't seen since we've been in winter hibernation.
So all, in all...
nephews = good!
wine = good!
cake = good!
However, after this weekend, I am definitely going to have to go on a mini-diet!
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