I was avoiding it for days, no, more like weeks. I thought about it, then decided no, I will do it tomorrow, for I knew my fate. I knew I would see something I didn't like. Then, finally, last week, I did it.
The scale. I finally stepped on it.
My fears were confirmed.
Now, I know I have whined before about how over the past year or so I have put on a few pounds, which now is up to about 10 pounds. It's an annoying 10 pounds. Annoying first of all because it's just enough where I can still fit into all the same clothes (which is good, of course) but everything is tighter and doesn't look as flattering as before (where now I am developing a mini-muffin top). I hate clothes looking and feeling tight, so part of me wants to go out and buy new pants that are a size up, but these would probably be too big and thus be baggy and ill-fitting and not look good either (why don't they make half sizes for pants like they do shoes??). And annoying secondly, the ten pounds is annoying because when I initially think them, about how it got to be this way, I first think, "why have I put on weight? I am still working out a few times a week, same as before. I am still eating mostly the same foods, what gives?" But, on second thought, I recall the mornings that I skipped the gym to to grocery shop (hmmm, obvious??) or to sit on the computer and mindlessly surf myspace and facebook. And I recall the nights coming home from work late and being starving and then chowing on way too much food. I remember the drive thru runs, the days I would stop at Walgreen's to buy a candy bar, and lots of indulging during holiday/family gatherings.
In fact, recently I realized that every time I am planning to get back "on track" by eating healthier foods and better portions, I end up somehow coming home with leftovers...leftovers from restaurants or from family dinners, which are usually evil chunks of lasagna, piles of pasta, or hunks of cake.
I have no will power, that is one problem. I am constantly sabotaging my efforts by giving into cravings for fast food and sweets. Even after getting on the scale and realizing my current weight, the next day I still went through the McDonald's drive thru, first because I really wanted to try an iced mocha (I am SUCH a SUCKER for adverstisements! I really am!) and then a quarter pounder and fries sounded really good (I hadn't had one in at least two months, if not more).
The other problem is that since moving near my husband's Big Fat Italian Family my perceptions of reasonable portion sizes have been greatly skewed. My mother-in-law, father-in-law, my husband's aunts and uncles are always, "mange! mange!" Unfortunately I love Italian food.
And there's stress too. I do tend to soothe myself with food when stressed. So, work doesn't help. Although, lately it's been better. However, after two long crisis calls earlier this week, I was guilty of going through the drive thru after each one.
I think the more I think about my weight, about food, the harder it is. When I lost weight a few years ago it seemed I really wasn't trying to, I didn't focus on it, I just went and worked out a few times a week and eventually it started coming off. I don't want to become one of those weight obsessed people, but obviously I don't want to blow up to be 200 pounds either! I need to find a nice balance of eating better, eating less, and just being healthier!