It recently occurred to me that as I have gotten older that time has seemed to progress in fast forward.
For instance, I cannot believe that last weekend was just Memorial Day, the unofficial (or official?) start of summer. Summer? Wasn't it just Christmas? Where the heck did Spring go? Easter was a complete blur. Where did it all that time go?
When I was a kid, time seemed to go s-o s-l-o-w. It seemed to take forever for Christmas, birthdays, and summer to arrive. Now it seems that days turn into weeks and quickly add up to months, then years. Almost 30 now, to be exact!
I look at the subtitle to my blog, "working for the weekend" it says. That is probably the biggest culprit of time robbery there. I work at a job where most days I like what I do, but I work for a boss who is best described by all who know her as "difficult" and for an agency that is forever changing in reaction to whatever the head hauchos at the State of Illinois Department of Human Services have to say.
I have been at my job for two years now, which is about a year and a half longer than I had hoped. Since I started, everything that originally was appealing about the job has been cut--our summer camp program, day long outings with the kids, family nights--in place of the typical therapy mill, back to back appointments day in and day out. So everyday I go to work and can't wait to go home, and every Monday through Friday I get up and do it all over again. Oh yes, and then there's being on-call at least three days a month. When I am on-call, I just pray for those days and hours to go by uneventful. Lately it hasn't been. For example, I was on-call last Monday for my last shift of May and of course at 2am do-da-DOO-da-do. (Damn pager!) I got another one at 3am, luckily at the hospital just down the street! (Oh, and I realize that the Pink song I quoted in an earlier blog actually says "I don't want to be that call at 4 o'clock in the morning", but you get the idea!)
So I realize I am wishing away alot of my time. So I want this week over with and BAM! it is, and the next one, and the next one...I realized at the end of last year that I was wishing away so many hours and days and made a New Year's resolution to be better about it, and to try to appreciate my job more; especially now, in this economy, I should just be thankful to have a job. I am trying to put in the best effort and most energy possible, but day in and day out it's hard.
Post college and graduate school, the idyllic world of science and theory fades and the "real world" bites you in the face; eventually you realize that work is just work, and few truly love what they do, most people muddle through and hopefully do the best they can, but so much of our true life is what you do when you aren't working.
So I try to do the best I can during my 40 hours a week. Mostly I am trying to make the most out of all the rest of that time. It's still going way too fast.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Monday, May 25, 2009
D.G.I.T.
That's my new term for myself,
Domestic Goddess in Training.
Here's the proof:
Exhibit A-
Domestic Goddess in Training.
Here's the proof:
Exhibit A-
Turtle cheesecake I made for Easter. I made it the night before, and by the next day it looked a little runny, but apparently still tasted good, according to my husband.
Exhibit B-
Last weekend I dug up the grass along this part of the back of our house and planted several different kinds of flowers (from seeds and bulbs). I have been watering it religously, but so far haven't seen anything pop through yet. I will keep everyone posted!
Exhibit C-
Cookies! I was inspired by having WAY too many eggs in the fridge (which unless I am baking or in the mood for French toast, we otherwise don't eat). They seemed to be a hit, there are only a few left.
Exhibit D-
Flowers I potted today.
Hopefully in the next week or two I will have the vegetable garden planted. I was getting the plants from my husband's grandmother (a.k.a. Nonna) but the roots apparently are too small to be planted yet. His family wouldn't hear of me buying such plants from a nursery or Wal-Mart when they are growing then in their backyard. Stay tuned for more domestic adventures in suburbia!
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Man, I am tired.
For the third shift in a row, I got a crisis call at 3 in the morning (and that line in that Pink song keeps playing in my head, "I don't want to be that call at three o'clock in the morning"). This one came after an earlier call where I started at the teenager's home, ended up at the local police station after she took off out the front door.
Somedays I just can't help but to feel like I am fighting a losing battle. Me, the counselor, the therapist, the one educated in psychology, the so-called science of individual human behavior, battling against the overwhelming forces of the sciences of evolution, sociology, economics and politics. After all, the economy and politics drive our health care system and client's availablity to services like psychological counseling. And of course society, social mores, and social expectations hugely impact the behavior of even the most independently minded individuals. It can't not...unless you live in a cave or in Antarctica. And of course the forces of evolution. No matter how highly we humans may think of ourselves, while we are created in God's image, part of us is still very animal-like and full of the impulses to be angry, aggressive, to fight, to flee...
Who can fight this?
______________________________________________
But then one day last week I unexpectedly ran into one of my clients, a little 6 year old girl and her 5 year old sister, in the lobby of my office and both ran up and gave me a hug. Little kid hugs are the best. Days when I see a child show and receive love, well, then I know maybe it's not all in vain.
Somedays I just can't help but to feel like I am fighting a losing battle. Me, the counselor, the therapist, the one educated in psychology, the so-called science of individual human behavior, battling against the overwhelming forces of the sciences of evolution, sociology, economics and politics. After all, the economy and politics drive our health care system and client's availablity to services like psychological counseling. And of course society, social mores, and social expectations hugely impact the behavior of even the most independently minded individuals. It can't not...unless you live in a cave or in Antarctica. And of course the forces of evolution. No matter how highly we humans may think of ourselves, while we are created in God's image, part of us is still very animal-like and full of the impulses to be angry, aggressive, to fight, to flee...
Who can fight this?
______________________________________________
But then one day last week I unexpectedly ran into one of my clients, a little 6 year old girl and her 5 year old sister, in the lobby of my office and both ran up and gave me a hug. Little kid hugs are the best. Days when I see a child show and receive love, well, then I know maybe it's not all in vain.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
A weighty issue...
I was avoiding it for days, no, more like weeks. I thought about it, then decided no, I will do it tomorrow, for I knew my fate. I knew I would see something I didn't like. Then, finally, last week, I did it.
The scale. I finally stepped on it.
My fears were confirmed.
****************************************************
Now, I know I have whined before about how over the past year or so I have put on a few pounds, which now is up to about 10 pounds. It's an annoying 10 pounds. Annoying first of all because it's just enough where I can still fit into all the same clothes (which is good, of course) but everything is tighter and doesn't look as flattering as before (where now I am developing a mini-muffin top). I hate clothes looking and feeling tight, so part of me wants to go out and buy new pants that are a size up, but these would probably be too big and thus be baggy and ill-fitting and not look good either (why don't they make half sizes for pants like they do shoes??). And annoying secondly, the ten pounds is annoying because when I initially think them, about how it got to be this way, I first think, "why have I put on weight? I am still working out a few times a week, same as before. I am still eating mostly the same foods, what gives?" But, on second thought, I recall the mornings that I skipped the gym to to grocery shop (hmmm, obvious??) or to sit on the computer and mindlessly surf myspace and facebook. And I recall the nights coming home from work late and being starving and then chowing on way too much food. I remember the drive thru runs, the days I would stop at Walgreen's to buy a candy bar, and lots of indulging during holiday/family gatherings.
In fact, recently I realized that every time I am planning to get back "on track" by eating healthier foods and better portions, I end up somehow coming home with leftovers...leftovers from restaurants or from family dinners, which are usually evil chunks of lasagna, piles of pasta, or hunks of cake.
I have no will power, that is one problem. I am constantly sabotaging my efforts by giving into cravings for fast food and sweets. Even after getting on the scale and realizing my current weight, the next day I still went through the McDonald's drive thru, first because I really wanted to try an iced mocha (I am SUCH a SUCKER for adverstisements! I really am!) and then a quarter pounder and fries sounded really good (I hadn't had one in at least two months, if not more).
The other problem is that since moving near my husband's Big Fat Italian Family my perceptions of reasonable portion sizes have been greatly skewed. My mother-in-law, father-in-law, my husband's aunts and uncles are always, "mange! mange!" Unfortunately I love Italian food.
And there's stress too. I do tend to soothe myself with food when stressed. So, work doesn't help. Although, lately it's been better. However, after two long crisis calls earlier this week, I was guilty of going through the drive thru after each one.
I think the more I think about my weight, about food, the harder it is. When I lost weight a few years ago it seemed I really wasn't trying to, I didn't focus on it, I just went and worked out a few times a week and eventually it started coming off. I don't want to become one of those weight obsessed people, but obviously I don't want to blow up to be 200 pounds either! I need to find a nice balance of eating better, eating less, and just being healthier!
The scale. I finally stepped on it.
My fears were confirmed.
****************************************************
Now, I know I have whined before about how over the past year or so I have put on a few pounds, which now is up to about 10 pounds. It's an annoying 10 pounds. Annoying first of all because it's just enough where I can still fit into all the same clothes (which is good, of course) but everything is tighter and doesn't look as flattering as before (where now I am developing a mini-muffin top). I hate clothes looking and feeling tight, so part of me wants to go out and buy new pants that are a size up, but these would probably be too big and thus be baggy and ill-fitting and not look good either (why don't they make half sizes for pants like they do shoes??). And annoying secondly, the ten pounds is annoying because when I initially think them, about how it got to be this way, I first think, "why have I put on weight? I am still working out a few times a week, same as before. I am still eating mostly the same foods, what gives?" But, on second thought, I recall the mornings that I skipped the gym to to grocery shop (hmmm, obvious??) or to sit on the computer and mindlessly surf myspace and facebook. And I recall the nights coming home from work late and being starving and then chowing on way too much food. I remember the drive thru runs, the days I would stop at Walgreen's to buy a candy bar, and lots of indulging during holiday/family gatherings.
In fact, recently I realized that every time I am planning to get back "on track" by eating healthier foods and better portions, I end up somehow coming home with leftovers...leftovers from restaurants or from family dinners, which are usually evil chunks of lasagna, piles of pasta, or hunks of cake.
I have no will power, that is one problem. I am constantly sabotaging my efforts by giving into cravings for fast food and sweets. Even after getting on the scale and realizing my current weight, the next day I still went through the McDonald's drive thru, first because I really wanted to try an iced mocha (I am SUCH a SUCKER for adverstisements! I really am!) and then a quarter pounder and fries sounded really good (I hadn't had one in at least two months, if not more).
The other problem is that since moving near my husband's Big Fat Italian Family my perceptions of reasonable portion sizes have been greatly skewed. My mother-in-law, father-in-law, my husband's aunts and uncles are always, "mange! mange!" Unfortunately I love Italian food.
And there's stress too. I do tend to soothe myself with food when stressed. So, work doesn't help. Although, lately it's been better. However, after two long crisis calls earlier this week, I was guilty of going through the drive thru after each one.
I think the more I think about my weight, about food, the harder it is. When I lost weight a few years ago it seemed I really wasn't trying to, I didn't focus on it, I just went and worked out a few times a week and eventually it started coming off. I don't want to become one of those weight obsessed people, but obviously I don't want to blow up to be 200 pounds either! I need to find a nice balance of eating better, eating less, and just being healthier!
Friends. Neighbors. Bro-Mance.
My husband has a boyfriend, and I am thrilled!
OK, so you are wondering what the heck am I talking about, or what kind of marriage arrangement do we really have? Let me back up and explain.
I have known my husband for about 5 years now. It is fair to say he doesn't have many close male friends. His best friend is a female (named Bambi, no less! And no, she's not a blonde stripper, and no they never dated or got physically intimate. She was married, went through a divorce, and remarried, she's a country girl and Michael has assured me many times he's never been attracted to her. I am totally cool with it now, but as all insecure girlfriends do, I had a period of time when I wasn't so cool, no matter what Michael said or did. With time I realized he was being truthful and got over it). Anyway, besides Bambi (which, again, I would kill my mom if she named me that!!!), when we worked together there were several women who were his friends, and apparently he had several female friends in college (but only two real girlfriends). He has a core group of guys he hung out with in elementary and high school, but it seems as he's gotten older he talks to them and sees them less. Currently, as far as guys, he mainly only hangs out with his brothers and a few of his first cousins. But even that is a little sporadic. Since relocating from Bloomington-Normal to Tinley Park I think we both have been disappointed with how inconsistently we hang out with his siblings and cousins.
Side note: All of my closest friends have always been girls. Though I do agree in some ways that it might be easier to get along with males because there is less cattiness and back stabbing and all of that drama. But I could never get over the initial question of "are we just friends? does he like me that way?" The whole "When Harry Met Sally" dilemma.
I digress. Back to my original point.
Enter Scott. Scott lives two houses over from us. We met him last summer after we moved in. Most of this past winter we didn't see any of our neighbors much. It was like we were all hibernating. But, as spring sprung, people were out more, and he and my husband were neighborly talking from yard to yard, which evolved to going over to each other's places to help fix things, then going/coming over to watch sporting events. His wife works late shifts at two hospitals so often he was alone in the evening and I would guess lonely. Sometimes I have tagged along, other times I wouldn't go and joke they were having a "man date", to which they thought was hilarious. We had recently seen the movie "I Love You, Man", about a man finding a good guy friend, having some "bro-mance", so the description seemed fitting.
I am just happy my husband is making a new friend. And not just a friendly acquaintance, a true buddy with whom he has a close bond. They have several things in common and it just feels good to see my husband happy and having an alternative to hanging out with boring old me all the time. Actually, one night me and Michael hung out with Scott and his wife and we all had a really good time, very relaxed and casual. They are really genuinely nice people who I could see us becoming very good friends with in the years to come.
Now, if only all of my closest girlfriends didn't live out of state!
OK, so you are wondering what the heck am I talking about, or what kind of marriage arrangement do we really have? Let me back up and explain.
I have known my husband for about 5 years now. It is fair to say he doesn't have many close male friends. His best friend is a female (named Bambi, no less! And no, she's not a blonde stripper, and no they never dated or got physically intimate. She was married, went through a divorce, and remarried, she's a country girl and Michael has assured me many times he's never been attracted to her. I am totally cool with it now, but as all insecure girlfriends do, I had a period of time when I wasn't so cool, no matter what Michael said or did. With time I realized he was being truthful and got over it). Anyway, besides Bambi (which, again, I would kill my mom if she named me that!!!), when we worked together there were several women who were his friends, and apparently he had several female friends in college (but only two real girlfriends). He has a core group of guys he hung out with in elementary and high school, but it seems as he's gotten older he talks to them and sees them less. Currently, as far as guys, he mainly only hangs out with his brothers and a few of his first cousins. But even that is a little sporadic. Since relocating from Bloomington-Normal to Tinley Park I think we both have been disappointed with how inconsistently we hang out with his siblings and cousins.
Side note: All of my closest friends have always been girls. Though I do agree in some ways that it might be easier to get along with males because there is less cattiness and back stabbing and all of that drama. But I could never get over the initial question of "are we just friends? does he like me that way?" The whole "When Harry Met Sally" dilemma.
I digress. Back to my original point.
Enter Scott. Scott lives two houses over from us. We met him last summer after we moved in. Most of this past winter we didn't see any of our neighbors much. It was like we were all hibernating. But, as spring sprung, people were out more, and he and my husband were neighborly talking from yard to yard, which evolved to going over to each other's places to help fix things, then going/coming over to watch sporting events. His wife works late shifts at two hospitals so often he was alone in the evening and I would guess lonely. Sometimes I have tagged along, other times I wouldn't go and joke they were having a "man date", to which they thought was hilarious. We had recently seen the movie "I Love You, Man", about a man finding a good guy friend, having some "bro-mance", so the description seemed fitting.
I am just happy my husband is making a new friend. And not just a friendly acquaintance, a true buddy with whom he has a close bond. They have several things in common and it just feels good to see my husband happy and having an alternative to hanging out with boring old me all the time. Actually, one night me and Michael hung out with Scott and his wife and we all had a really good time, very relaxed and casual. They are really genuinely nice people who I could see us becoming very good friends with in the years to come.
Now, if only all of my closest girlfriends didn't live out of state!
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Saturday morning alpha-bits
So I had thought I would make an attempt to start my garden today, as the forecast said it would be near 80 degrees today. However, I ended up switching a shift to be on-call today instead of tomorrow (I have a bridal shower to go to tomorrow for my husband's cousin). I was imagining myself being outside today, covered in dirt, as my pager goes, "do-da-DA-DO-do". However, at least right now, mother nature is putting a stop to all of it, as it's raining and appears to be ready to really thunderstorm. Maybe tomorrow after the shower?
I continue job hunting, though it seems to be in vain. During my most recent job pursuit, I have continued to send out copies of my resume, mostly via email and mostly though Careerbuilder.com. So far, I have gotten zero responses. Back when I first was finishing grad school and job hunting I only sent hard copies of my resume, now most jobs you find online say you can fax or email a resume. I can't help but wondering does it really get to the intended viewer? Do they really check all those emails? But I guess a hard copy can just as easily be pushed aside or filed in the circular bin. I know it's a tough economy and my resume is competing with probably a 100 others for one job, people with more experience than I. It's still extremely disheartening.
I also can't help to wonder when I send an email through Careerbuilder, what are they actually sending to the potential employer? I use Careerbuilder for free, but they have upgraded resume packages that obviously they want you to buy. Do they trick you into thinking you need to buy the upgrade after two years of no responses to sending your resume the standard way? Are they really sending employers a giant picture of a clown face? I know my resume isn't flawless, but there are times I have applied for jobs for which I am definitely over qualified and still didn't get a call. I just don't get it.
Maybe God is trying to tell me to stay where I am at. Even though there are many reasons I don't want to. Maybe it's part of the bigger plan. Sigh.
As a follow up to my last blog, I spoke with the counselor from the crisis program who took back myclient who had been hospitalized, the one whose mother said I "wasn't effective." I now realize those were probably the words of the progress note writer, not a direct quote from the mom. The crisis counselor said that mom thought the client didn't want to talk to me because I seemed too young and too close to her age. I had to laugh at this. I wonder how old they think I am? I am going to be 30 this year, I have been out of grad school for 5 years, but I often still get labeled as fresh out of school, or even a student. In a society obsessed with eternal youth, I have often viewed looking younger than my age as a blessing; however, a friend of mine pointed out that it can be a curse too, that people don't take you seriously. And I definitely see that side of the coin too. It probably doesn't help that I am also short, soft-spoken, and frequently laugh or smile nervously. These are probably why the handful of job interviews I have been on in the past year or so haven't lead to follow-up interviews or offers. Who wants to hire a big kid? If only I could use my child-like qualities to my ultimate advantage...hmmm...what would that be?
I continue job hunting, though it seems to be in vain. During my most recent job pursuit, I have continued to send out copies of my resume, mostly via email and mostly though Careerbuilder.com. So far, I have gotten zero responses. Back when I first was finishing grad school and job hunting I only sent hard copies of my resume, now most jobs you find online say you can fax or email a resume. I can't help but wondering does it really get to the intended viewer? Do they really check all those emails? But I guess a hard copy can just as easily be pushed aside or filed in the circular bin. I know it's a tough economy and my resume is competing with probably a 100 others for one job, people with more experience than I. It's still extremely disheartening.
I also can't help to wonder when I send an email through Careerbuilder, what are they actually sending to the potential employer? I use Careerbuilder for free, but they have upgraded resume packages that obviously they want you to buy. Do they trick you into thinking you need to buy the upgrade after two years of no responses to sending your resume the standard way? Are they really sending employers a giant picture of a clown face? I know my resume isn't flawless, but there are times I have applied for jobs for which I am definitely over qualified and still didn't get a call. I just don't get it.
Maybe God is trying to tell me to stay where I am at. Even though there are many reasons I don't want to. Maybe it's part of the bigger plan. Sigh.
As a follow up to my last blog, I spoke with the counselor from the crisis program who took back myclient who had been hospitalized, the one whose mother said I "wasn't effective." I now realize those were probably the words of the progress note writer, not a direct quote from the mom. The crisis counselor said that mom thought the client didn't want to talk to me because I seemed too young and too close to her age. I had to laugh at this. I wonder how old they think I am? I am going to be 30 this year, I have been out of grad school for 5 years, but I often still get labeled as fresh out of school, or even a student. In a society obsessed with eternal youth, I have often viewed looking younger than my age as a blessing; however, a friend of mine pointed out that it can be a curse too, that people don't take you seriously. And I definitely see that side of the coin too. It probably doesn't help that I am also short, soft-spoken, and frequently laugh or smile nervously. These are probably why the handful of job interviews I have been on in the past year or so haven't lead to follow-up interviews or offers. Who wants to hire a big kid? If only I could use my child-like qualities to my ultimate advantage...hmmm...what would that be?
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
The definition of "effective"
Recently I have been thinking about the term "effective therapist" and trying to figure out what this means.
About a month ago, I teenage girl with whom I had been working working was psychiatrically hospitalized for threatening suicide and trying to run away. I had been working with her for about three months with little progress. She was a transfer from another therapist who left the agency (as is common where I work), and I had just been working on engaging with the client. I would arrive at her home and, week after week, she wouldn't want to talk. I happened to look at her chart and see a note written while she was in the hospital (we have staff who specifically contact the hospitals), and it said "mother is requesting a new counselor, feels current counselor is not effective. Plan: discuss complaint about counselor with supervisor."
I have often thought it and felt possibly clients have made comments to imply it, but I had never seen it written out so bluntly: "counselor (me) is not effective." Before this, I had already talked to my supervisor and the plan was for the client to go back through the crisis counseling program (and thus to another counselor) anyway, but I have to admit to read that took me aback and humbled me greatly. I knew this was a client and a family I hadn't made a great connection with, hadn't really helped to make any progress, so in many ways it didn't surprise me. (I also knew this family tends to look for external sources of their problems, rather than really looking at how multiple issues within their family just might be the reason this girl is having problems). But, overall, it really made me take a look at my own skills and think, what makes a therapist effective?
When I first started working in the field, a veteran therapist wisely told me [regarding working with kids] "you are just walking besides them on their journey." And I truly got that idea, deep down. Another therapist told me, "you might be the only positive adult in their life, and anything you do with a kid is therapeutic." So the days I was sitting playing tic tac toe or Uno I remembered that, that just being there was therapuetic. But was it effective?
The term "effective" seems to be up for interpretation. In everyday terms it means something like "getting the job done." I suppose it goes back to what is the goal of counseling/therapy, the job we are to do. And with kids, that is tricky. It often depends on who is saying the kid needs therapy, and usually that person is hardly ever the kid. Usually it's a parent, sometimes it's their school or family doctor, sometimes it's a by-product of a legal issue or crisis situation and not necessarily the kid or family's choice. Sometimes a parent just wants their son or daughter to "have someone to talk to", maybe because they are dealing with changes, losses, difficult times. Generally these parents feel anything I do is helpful and supportive. I play games or draw or just talk with the kid, hopefully they learn to trust me and talk to me about whatever...if it's how they miss their grandma, great, but if it's how they love their puppy, great too! Just get them talking, I heard someone else say once.
However, then there are cases where parents (or teachers, etc.) are looking for change, and looking for it NOW! These are cases where there's been a problem for awhile, and it's gotten bigger and bigger and more out of control. These are the kicks flipping desks or joining gangs and we are trying to intervene, but it's a little late. For these kids, if change doesn't happen in 2 or 3 sessions, or 2 or 3 months, then "counseling isn't working" and often they quit. Yet another wise co-worker told me to think of it this way, "if the child has been having emotional and behavioral problems for X number of years, it's probably going to take at least X number of years to correct, if not more. So we have to help them with baby steps, little miracles." But parents who are stressed want big miracles. I can understand this. We live in a world of instant gratification, pop a pill for this and that, quick fixes. I never promise big miracles.
I heard recently on the John Tesh Radio show "Intelligence for your Life" (which I often listen to on the way home from work and highly recommend, it's very interesting and helpful! http://www.tesh.com/) that animal trainers don't blame themselves when an animal doesn't correctly perform a trick, that behavior is behavior, and they just work on continuing to train them. I think, I can know all kinds of facts about psychology, behavior, therapy, interventions, and execute them perfectly under ideal circumstances and it still may not make a huge difference. Sometimes I feel like I fight losing battles daily against the bigger influences of society, socioeconomic hardship, genetics, generations of dysfunction and substance abuse. When I look at it that way, it makes it seem pretty impossible, and depressing! How on earth could a person be an "effective therapist" dealing with all of that??
Back to the story of my client, I decided that the most accurate way to state what was going on with her was that therapy was not effective; therapy, which included me as the therapist, but also includes her as the unwilling 16 year old who is not invested in therapy, an overwhelmed mother looking for medication and a therapist to erase years of bad parenting and unstable family circumstances.
So, maybe effectiveness isn't something about me, my skills, or personality; maybe it's an interaction of all the things I bring to the table and what the client brings. Maybe all I can do is try my best, try to encourage my clients to try their best, and hope for little miracles.
About a month ago, I teenage girl with whom I had been working working was psychiatrically hospitalized for threatening suicide and trying to run away. I had been working with her for about three months with little progress. She was a transfer from another therapist who left the agency (as is common where I work), and I had just been working on engaging with the client. I would arrive at her home and, week after week, she wouldn't want to talk. I happened to look at her chart and see a note written while she was in the hospital (we have staff who specifically contact the hospitals), and it said "mother is requesting a new counselor, feels current counselor is not effective. Plan: discuss complaint about counselor with supervisor."
I have often thought it and felt possibly clients have made comments to imply it, but I had never seen it written out so bluntly: "counselor (me) is not effective." Before this, I had already talked to my supervisor and the plan was for the client to go back through the crisis counseling program (and thus to another counselor) anyway, but I have to admit to read that took me aback and humbled me greatly. I knew this was a client and a family I hadn't made a great connection with, hadn't really helped to make any progress, so in many ways it didn't surprise me. (I also knew this family tends to look for external sources of their problems, rather than really looking at how multiple issues within their family just might be the reason this girl is having problems). But, overall, it really made me take a look at my own skills and think, what makes a therapist effective?
When I first started working in the field, a veteran therapist wisely told me [regarding working with kids] "you are just walking besides them on their journey." And I truly got that idea, deep down. Another therapist told me, "you might be the only positive adult in their life, and anything you do with a kid is therapeutic." So the days I was sitting playing tic tac toe or Uno I remembered that, that just being there was therapuetic. But was it effective?
The term "effective" seems to be up for interpretation. In everyday terms it means something like "getting the job done." I suppose it goes back to what is the goal of counseling/therapy, the job we are to do. And with kids, that is tricky. It often depends on who is saying the kid needs therapy, and usually that person is hardly ever the kid. Usually it's a parent, sometimes it's their school or family doctor, sometimes it's a by-product of a legal issue or crisis situation and not necessarily the kid or family's choice. Sometimes a parent just wants their son or daughter to "have someone to talk to", maybe because they are dealing with changes, losses, difficult times. Generally these parents feel anything I do is helpful and supportive. I play games or draw or just talk with the kid, hopefully they learn to trust me and talk to me about whatever...if it's how they miss their grandma, great, but if it's how they love their puppy, great too! Just get them talking, I heard someone else say once.
However, then there are cases where parents (or teachers, etc.) are looking for change, and looking for it NOW! These are cases where there's been a problem for awhile, and it's gotten bigger and bigger and more out of control. These are the kicks flipping desks or joining gangs and we are trying to intervene, but it's a little late. For these kids, if change doesn't happen in 2 or 3 sessions, or 2 or 3 months, then "counseling isn't working" and often they quit. Yet another wise co-worker told me to think of it this way, "if the child has been having emotional and behavioral problems for X number of years, it's probably going to take at least X number of years to correct, if not more. So we have to help them with baby steps, little miracles." But parents who are stressed want big miracles. I can understand this. We live in a world of instant gratification, pop a pill for this and that, quick fixes. I never promise big miracles.
I heard recently on the John Tesh Radio show "Intelligence for your Life" (which I often listen to on the way home from work and highly recommend, it's very interesting and helpful! http://www.tesh.com/) that animal trainers don't blame themselves when an animal doesn't correctly perform a trick, that behavior is behavior, and they just work on continuing to train them. I think, I can know all kinds of facts about psychology, behavior, therapy, interventions, and execute them perfectly under ideal circumstances and it still may not make a huge difference. Sometimes I feel like I fight losing battles daily against the bigger influences of society, socioeconomic hardship, genetics, generations of dysfunction and substance abuse. When I look at it that way, it makes it seem pretty impossible, and depressing! How on earth could a person be an "effective therapist" dealing with all of that??
Back to the story of my client, I decided that the most accurate way to state what was going on with her was that therapy was not effective; therapy, which included me as the therapist, but also includes her as the unwilling 16 year old who is not invested in therapy, an overwhelmed mother looking for medication and a therapist to erase years of bad parenting and unstable family circumstances.
So, maybe effectiveness isn't something about me, my skills, or personality; maybe it's an interaction of all the things I bring to the table and what the client brings. Maybe all I can do is try my best, try to encourage my clients to try their best, and hope for little miracles.
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