Disappointment and rejection

About three weeks ago I went on a job interview. The interview seemed to go well from my perspective (I generally think they do). I called last Friday and they were still making decisions, but at that time I was still "in consideration", which started my weekend off with a hopeful feeling. Yesterday I got the impersonal form email that the position had been filled and thank you for your interest. I couldn't help but to feel disappointed. And rejected. Yet again.

I know you can't take this kind of rejection personally. And I don't. Mostly.

In the past two years I have been on nine interviews. Maybe that's not alot, maybe it is. (not to mention I have sent out probably over 100 resumes through Careerbuilder.com--again, not sure where in cyberspace those actually go--have emailed out probably close to 50 copies of my resume, and mailed out around 10 hard copies--which doesn't sound like many!!) Out of all nine interviews I have never had a formal offer of full-time employment. One place offered me to work as an independent contractor part-time, but I would have to keep my current job to have benefits, and working two jobs just isn't want I wanted to do. I look back on all of the positions, two were working as college counselors, a career direction I have really wanted to take all along. I am sure I lost out to someone with more relevant experience, as most of my experience is working with kids. Two positions were working at a medical group, two were at agencies working with kids with developmental issues, two were working at another social service agency, one was working in foster care. All were somehow different than my current job, a different setting, slightly different population. Different hours. Just different. I know different isn't always better, but when you are getting burned out and feeling stuck where you are at, different sounds wonderful.

My whole goal is to find a job 1) with better hours and no on-call responsibilites 2) where I can work more independently and have more say in how I manage cases, not have a supervisor micro-manage me and can actually feel like I am using my clinical license 3) have opportunities to gain new and different experiences and to actually move up and not stay at the same level I have for 5 years now. These frustrations make me want to forge ahead, but with so much rejection and disappointing results I am losing my motivation. And after all, a month ago I was just lucky to have my job. Right?

I remember feeling this same sense of rejection when I was applying for graduate school. Foolishly, I applied mostly to Clinical Psychology Ph.D. programs, even when I told they were highly competitive and with my B.A. from Eastern Illinois, not the most prestigious of universities, it was unlikely I would get accepted, even with a 4.0 and all kinds of other honors and accomplishments on my application. So I eagerly awaited news, anxiously emailed contact people asking when decisions would be made. Started receiving disappointing emails and letters in the mail. The worst was from the University of Illinois. I had been emailing them back and forth asking about when they were making decisions, until one day in my inbox it read loud and clear "APPLICATION REJECTED." I am serious! My opinion of the high and mighty U of I changed that day. Eventually I was accepted into two Master's programs, and I took the one that offered me the graduate assistantship and tuition waiver. And now I realize if I didn't go to ISU I likely wouldn't have worked in Bloomington and likely wouldn't have met my husband. So it was all meant to be, right?

As I look back, I think, well maybe this job wasn't meant to be, maybe it wasn't the job for me. Sure, it was better hours, working for a hospital/medical group. But it was a longer commute (15-30 minutes longer), working all with teenagers, which definitely has major pro's and major con's. Or maybe I am just really meant to stay where I am at for some reason. Somedays it's not too bad, I have some pretty cool clients now, but once they are doing better we have to close them anyway. So many co-workers have come and gone since I started I feel I only have connection with a handful.

As the Clash said, "Should I Stay or Should I Go?"

I want to go, nowhere else wants me.

Is the grass really greener? At this point I just want to be able to stand on that grass and find out for myself.