Today several people at my work got their 30 day notice. I was not one of them. In a twist of fate, luck, or what have it, my program was completely spared. Apparently the state will continue funding our program at the same rate as last year. But other programs were not as fortunate. Needless to say it was a tense and somber atmosphere. I feel lucky, but guilty at the same time, for staying behind and for also not feeling as grateful as I should for still having my job.
The worst thing I heard though was that over that past weekend, a former adult client of the agency committed suicide. Apparently, they were told last week that their services were ending and they felt they had no one else. I heard this story second hand, so I don't know all of the details. Whatever happened, it is tragic.
The whole situation is tragic.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Hitting home
Last week at work the President of my agency called two emergency meetings. The first was to announce that due to the State of Illinois budget crisis, major funding cuts were looming and if passed this would lead to many programs being eliminated or reduced and possible layoffs. The second meeting stated with more certainty that 25% of the staff would be layed off and the announcements of who would be cut come this Tuesday and Wednesday. Pretty bleak news. Unfortunately it's happening all over the State, social service agencies are laying off staff or even closing their doors. The State can't balance it's budget and the current "solution" is to slash funding for social services. Everyone I have talked to feels that in the long run this will make things worse, ERs will be overflowing, mentally ill and disabled will be without services and out on the streets, chaos.
A co-worker said her supervisor hinted that our programs would be OK and survive the cuts. I don't know how to feel. I know several co-workers who have gotten all but the official news that their programs are being eliminated. If I stay, I will probably feel guilty. And I am always complaining about my job anyway, so being layed off and eligible for unemployment while searching for a new job might be a blessing in disguise. Of course finding a job will be hell, since I would be competing with thousands of other laid off social workers and counselors and would have to seek employment somewhere NOT funded by the state...
Unfortunately my husband works in social services too and his agency is facing the same cuts.
The bad economy is definitely hitting home.
A co-worker said her supervisor hinted that our programs would be OK and survive the cuts. I don't know how to feel. I know several co-workers who have gotten all but the official news that their programs are being eliminated. If I stay, I will probably feel guilty. And I am always complaining about my job anyway, so being layed off and eligible for unemployment while searching for a new job might be a blessing in disguise. Of course finding a job will be hell, since I would be competing with thousands of other laid off social workers and counselors and would have to seek employment somewhere NOT funded by the state...
Unfortunately my husband works in social services too and his agency is facing the same cuts.
The bad economy is definitely hitting home.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
A little bit of everything
I just realized I hadn't blogged anything yet in the month of June. I guess because in theory I have been pretty busy. Just some tid bits to get caught up:
--We have been having the entire inside of our house painted, this started so long ago I can't even remember when. The guy is just doing this on the side, he comes and does like two rooms, doesn't come back for a few days, comes back again...it might finally be done today, which I hope. I can't wait to have the house back in order, and thankfully it's turning out great!
--Last weekend we went to Indy for a friend's son's 1st birthday party. Anywhere with cake and ice cream is great in my book. It was great to see my friends and we also got a good taste of a weekend with a one year old...
--The weekends before that my husband and I were on a movie kick. We saw Star Trek, X-Men Origins Wolverine, and rented Marley & Me and The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Of all the movies I might have liked Star Trek the best. My husband is a Trekkie, not the kind that dresses up and goes to conventions, but he does know almost all of the episodes of the 4 series. Marley & Me was sad, as I was told, but somewhat disappointing, as was Benjamin Button. BB was long, slow, and reminded me alot of Forrest Gump, as Benjamin's character spoke with a slow, Southern accent and recounts his life time of intereting friendships and his one true love, but Benjamin's character was definitely less entertaining than Forrest. The time period when Brad Pitt is finally an attractive man and then a teenager did provide good eye candy. Speaking of eye candy, Ryan Reynolds is in X-Men Origins: Wolverine; he's usually in romantic comedies, so a super hero gig is a change for him, but his character still had his smart aleck-y humor. He is super HOT and unfortunately wasn't in the movie enough! He comes back at the end looking not much like himself.
--In more serious news, as is too common these days, we got the email Thursday that because of the state budget crisis, it is likely that funding for social service agencies will be drasticially cut, leading to layoffs. I don't know how secure my job is now, though maybe it's karma. I gripe and moan about it, I talk of job hunting and interviewing, but I guess I want to leave on my own terms and have something else in place...if you live in Illinois, think of contacting your senator and representative and tell them how much we need social services!
--I almost cried during a session this past week. That hasn't happened in forever, that my emotions started taking control of me at work. I have this client, a teenager, a smart, beautiful girl, dealing with some pretty scary mental health issues. Her family is great, so supportive. But she hates counseling, hates seeing a psychiatrist. I have empathized with her on this, I have tried so many ways to engage her, nothing. I come to her house, she whines, moans refuses to talk. That day it touched a nerve. I said to her mom I can't make her talk, and I have bent over backwards (probably an exaggeration) to work with her and I am frustrated and just don't know what to do, and that I recognize I waste there time and mine and I could be helping someone else who will talk to me. After that she agreed to talk a little, but she had a little smile on her face and I thought that brat! she is trying to test me! Plus he family is bi-lingual so there was alot said in their native language I missed and the sister translated partially. Ugh!
--So that's the main highlights. A hodge podge of everything. Oh, and my flowers are growing, I will put up pix when they start flowering.
--We have been having the entire inside of our house painted, this started so long ago I can't even remember when. The guy is just doing this on the side, he comes and does like two rooms, doesn't come back for a few days, comes back again...it might finally be done today, which I hope. I can't wait to have the house back in order, and thankfully it's turning out great!
--Last weekend we went to Indy for a friend's son's 1st birthday party. Anywhere with cake and ice cream is great in my book. It was great to see my friends and we also got a good taste of a weekend with a one year old...
--The weekends before that my husband and I were on a movie kick. We saw Star Trek, X-Men Origins Wolverine, and rented Marley & Me and The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Of all the movies I might have liked Star Trek the best. My husband is a Trekkie, not the kind that dresses up and goes to conventions, but he does know almost all of the episodes of the 4 series. Marley & Me was sad, as I was told, but somewhat disappointing, as was Benjamin Button. BB was long, slow, and reminded me alot of Forrest Gump, as Benjamin's character spoke with a slow, Southern accent and recounts his life time of intereting friendships and his one true love, but Benjamin's character was definitely less entertaining than Forrest. The time period when Brad Pitt is finally an attractive man and then a teenager did provide good eye candy. Speaking of eye candy, Ryan Reynolds is in X-Men Origins: Wolverine; he's usually in romantic comedies, so a super hero gig is a change for him, but his character still had his smart aleck-y humor. He is super HOT and unfortunately wasn't in the movie enough! He comes back at the end looking not much like himself.
--In more serious news, as is too common these days, we got the email Thursday that because of the state budget crisis, it is likely that funding for social service agencies will be drasticially cut, leading to layoffs. I don't know how secure my job is now, though maybe it's karma. I gripe and moan about it, I talk of job hunting and interviewing, but I guess I want to leave on my own terms and have something else in place...if you live in Illinois, think of contacting your senator and representative and tell them how much we need social services!
--I almost cried during a session this past week. That hasn't happened in forever, that my emotions started taking control of me at work. I have this client, a teenager, a smart, beautiful girl, dealing with some pretty scary mental health issues. Her family is great, so supportive. But she hates counseling, hates seeing a psychiatrist. I have empathized with her on this, I have tried so many ways to engage her, nothing. I come to her house, she whines, moans refuses to talk. That day it touched a nerve. I said to her mom I can't make her talk, and I have bent over backwards (probably an exaggeration) to work with her and I am frustrated and just don't know what to do, and that I recognize I waste there time and mine and I could be helping someone else who will talk to me. After that she agreed to talk a little, but she had a little smile on her face and I thought that brat! she is trying to test me! Plus he family is bi-lingual so there was alot said in their native language I missed and the sister translated partially. Ugh!
--So that's the main highlights. A hodge podge of everything. Oh, and my flowers are growing, I will put up pix when they start flowering.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Time ain't on my side.
It recently occurred to me that as I have gotten older that time has seemed to progress in fast forward.
For instance, I cannot believe that last weekend was just Memorial Day, the unofficial (or official?) start of summer. Summer? Wasn't it just Christmas? Where the heck did Spring go? Easter was a complete blur. Where did it all that time go?
When I was a kid, time seemed to go s-o s-l-o-w. It seemed to take forever for Christmas, birthdays, and summer to arrive. Now it seems that days turn into weeks and quickly add up to months, then years. Almost 30 now, to be exact!
I look at the subtitle to my blog, "working for the weekend" it says. That is probably the biggest culprit of time robbery there. I work at a job where most days I like what I do, but I work for a boss who is best described by all who know her as "difficult" and for an agency that is forever changing in reaction to whatever the head hauchos at the State of Illinois Department of Human Services have to say.
I have been at my job for two years now, which is about a year and a half longer than I had hoped. Since I started, everything that originally was appealing about the job has been cut--our summer camp program, day long outings with the kids, family nights--in place of the typical therapy mill, back to back appointments day in and day out. So everyday I go to work and can't wait to go home, and every Monday through Friday I get up and do it all over again. Oh yes, and then there's being on-call at least three days a month. When I am on-call, I just pray for those days and hours to go by uneventful. Lately it hasn't been. For example, I was on-call last Monday for my last shift of May and of course at 2am do-da-DOO-da-do. (Damn pager!) I got another one at 3am, luckily at the hospital just down the street! (Oh, and I realize that the Pink song I quoted in an earlier blog actually says "I don't want to be that call at 4 o'clock in the morning", but you get the idea!)
So I realize I am wishing away alot of my time. So I want this week over with and BAM! it is, and the next one, and the next one...I realized at the end of last year that I was wishing away so many hours and days and made a New Year's resolution to be better about it, and to try to appreciate my job more; especially now, in this economy, I should just be thankful to have a job. I am trying to put in the best effort and most energy possible, but day in and day out it's hard.
Post college and graduate school, the idyllic world of science and theory fades and the "real world" bites you in the face; eventually you realize that work is just work, and few truly love what they do, most people muddle through and hopefully do the best they can, but so much of our true life is what you do when you aren't working.
So I try to do the best I can during my 40 hours a week. Mostly I am trying to make the most out of all the rest of that time. It's still going way too fast.
For instance, I cannot believe that last weekend was just Memorial Day, the unofficial (or official?) start of summer. Summer? Wasn't it just Christmas? Where the heck did Spring go? Easter was a complete blur. Where did it all that time go?
When I was a kid, time seemed to go s-o s-l-o-w. It seemed to take forever for Christmas, birthdays, and summer to arrive. Now it seems that days turn into weeks and quickly add up to months, then years. Almost 30 now, to be exact!
I look at the subtitle to my blog, "working for the weekend" it says. That is probably the biggest culprit of time robbery there. I work at a job where most days I like what I do, but I work for a boss who is best described by all who know her as "difficult" and for an agency that is forever changing in reaction to whatever the head hauchos at the State of Illinois Department of Human Services have to say.
I have been at my job for two years now, which is about a year and a half longer than I had hoped. Since I started, everything that originally was appealing about the job has been cut--our summer camp program, day long outings with the kids, family nights--in place of the typical therapy mill, back to back appointments day in and day out. So everyday I go to work and can't wait to go home, and every Monday through Friday I get up and do it all over again. Oh yes, and then there's being on-call at least three days a month. When I am on-call, I just pray for those days and hours to go by uneventful. Lately it hasn't been. For example, I was on-call last Monday for my last shift of May and of course at 2am do-da-DOO-da-do. (Damn pager!) I got another one at 3am, luckily at the hospital just down the street! (Oh, and I realize that the Pink song I quoted in an earlier blog actually says "I don't want to be that call at 4 o'clock in the morning", but you get the idea!)
So I realize I am wishing away alot of my time. So I want this week over with and BAM! it is, and the next one, and the next one...I realized at the end of last year that I was wishing away so many hours and days and made a New Year's resolution to be better about it, and to try to appreciate my job more; especially now, in this economy, I should just be thankful to have a job. I am trying to put in the best effort and most energy possible, but day in and day out it's hard.
Post college and graduate school, the idyllic world of science and theory fades and the "real world" bites you in the face; eventually you realize that work is just work, and few truly love what they do, most people muddle through and hopefully do the best they can, but so much of our true life is what you do when you aren't working.
So I try to do the best I can during my 40 hours a week. Mostly I am trying to make the most out of all the rest of that time. It's still going way too fast.
Monday, May 25, 2009
D.G.I.T.
That's my new term for myself,
Domestic Goddess in Training.
Here's the proof:
Exhibit A-
Domestic Goddess in Training.
Here's the proof:
Exhibit A-
Turtle cheesecake I made for Easter. I made it the night before, and by the next day it looked a little runny, but apparently still tasted good, according to my husband.
Exhibit B-
Last weekend I dug up the grass along this part of the back of our house and planted several different kinds of flowers (from seeds and bulbs). I have been watering it religously, but so far haven't seen anything pop through yet. I will keep everyone posted!
Exhibit C-
Cookies! I was inspired by having WAY too many eggs in the fridge (which unless I am baking or in the mood for French toast, we otherwise don't eat). They seemed to be a hit, there are only a few left.
Exhibit D-
Flowers I potted today.
Hopefully in the next week or two I will have the vegetable garden planted. I was getting the plants from my husband's grandmother (a.k.a. Nonna) but the roots apparently are too small to be planted yet. His family wouldn't hear of me buying such plants from a nursery or Wal-Mart when they are growing then in their backyard. Stay tuned for more domestic adventures in suburbia!
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Man, I am tired.
For the third shift in a row, I got a crisis call at 3 in the morning (and that line in that Pink song keeps playing in my head, "I don't want to be that call at three o'clock in the morning"). This one came after an earlier call where I started at the teenager's home, ended up at the local police station after she took off out the front door.
Somedays I just can't help but to feel like I am fighting a losing battle. Me, the counselor, the therapist, the one educated in psychology, the so-called science of individual human behavior, battling against the overwhelming forces of the sciences of evolution, sociology, economics and politics. After all, the economy and politics drive our health care system and client's availablity to services like psychological counseling. And of course society, social mores, and social expectations hugely impact the behavior of even the most independently minded individuals. It can't not...unless you live in a cave or in Antarctica. And of course the forces of evolution. No matter how highly we humans may think of ourselves, while we are created in God's image, part of us is still very animal-like and full of the impulses to be angry, aggressive, to fight, to flee...
Who can fight this?
______________________________________________
But then one day last week I unexpectedly ran into one of my clients, a little 6 year old girl and her 5 year old sister, in the lobby of my office and both ran up and gave me a hug. Little kid hugs are the best. Days when I see a child show and receive love, well, then I know maybe it's not all in vain.
Somedays I just can't help but to feel like I am fighting a losing battle. Me, the counselor, the therapist, the one educated in psychology, the so-called science of individual human behavior, battling against the overwhelming forces of the sciences of evolution, sociology, economics and politics. After all, the economy and politics drive our health care system and client's availablity to services like psychological counseling. And of course society, social mores, and social expectations hugely impact the behavior of even the most independently minded individuals. It can't not...unless you live in a cave or in Antarctica. And of course the forces of evolution. No matter how highly we humans may think of ourselves, while we are created in God's image, part of us is still very animal-like and full of the impulses to be angry, aggressive, to fight, to flee...
Who can fight this?
______________________________________________
But then one day last week I unexpectedly ran into one of my clients, a little 6 year old girl and her 5 year old sister, in the lobby of my office and both ran up and gave me a hug. Little kid hugs are the best. Days when I see a child show and receive love, well, then I know maybe it's not all in vain.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
A weighty issue...
I was avoiding it for days, no, more like weeks. I thought about it, then decided no, I will do it tomorrow, for I knew my fate. I knew I would see something I didn't like. Then, finally, last week, I did it.
The scale. I finally stepped on it.
My fears were confirmed.
****************************************************
Now, I know I have whined before about how over the past year or so I have put on a few pounds, which now is up to about 10 pounds. It's an annoying 10 pounds. Annoying first of all because it's just enough where I can still fit into all the same clothes (which is good, of course) but everything is tighter and doesn't look as flattering as before (where now I am developing a mini-muffin top). I hate clothes looking and feeling tight, so part of me wants to go out and buy new pants that are a size up, but these would probably be too big and thus be baggy and ill-fitting and not look good either (why don't they make half sizes for pants like they do shoes??). And annoying secondly, the ten pounds is annoying because when I initially think them, about how it got to be this way, I first think, "why have I put on weight? I am still working out a few times a week, same as before. I am still eating mostly the same foods, what gives?" But, on second thought, I recall the mornings that I skipped the gym to to grocery shop (hmmm, obvious??) or to sit on the computer and mindlessly surf myspace and facebook. And I recall the nights coming home from work late and being starving and then chowing on way too much food. I remember the drive thru runs, the days I would stop at Walgreen's to buy a candy bar, and lots of indulging during holiday/family gatherings.
In fact, recently I realized that every time I am planning to get back "on track" by eating healthier foods and better portions, I end up somehow coming home with leftovers...leftovers from restaurants or from family dinners, which are usually evil chunks of lasagna, piles of pasta, or hunks of cake.
I have no will power, that is one problem. I am constantly sabotaging my efforts by giving into cravings for fast food and sweets. Even after getting on the scale and realizing my current weight, the next day I still went through the McDonald's drive thru, first because I really wanted to try an iced mocha (I am SUCH a SUCKER for adverstisements! I really am!) and then a quarter pounder and fries sounded really good (I hadn't had one in at least two months, if not more).
The other problem is that since moving near my husband's Big Fat Italian Family my perceptions of reasonable portion sizes have been greatly skewed. My mother-in-law, father-in-law, my husband's aunts and uncles are always, "mange! mange!" Unfortunately I love Italian food.
And there's stress too. I do tend to soothe myself with food when stressed. So, work doesn't help. Although, lately it's been better. However, after two long crisis calls earlier this week, I was guilty of going through the drive thru after each one.
I think the more I think about my weight, about food, the harder it is. When I lost weight a few years ago it seemed I really wasn't trying to, I didn't focus on it, I just went and worked out a few times a week and eventually it started coming off. I don't want to become one of those weight obsessed people, but obviously I don't want to blow up to be 200 pounds either! I need to find a nice balance of eating better, eating less, and just being healthier!
The scale. I finally stepped on it.
My fears were confirmed.
****************************************************
Now, I know I have whined before about how over the past year or so I have put on a few pounds, which now is up to about 10 pounds. It's an annoying 10 pounds. Annoying first of all because it's just enough where I can still fit into all the same clothes (which is good, of course) but everything is tighter and doesn't look as flattering as before (where now I am developing a mini-muffin top). I hate clothes looking and feeling tight, so part of me wants to go out and buy new pants that are a size up, but these would probably be too big and thus be baggy and ill-fitting and not look good either (why don't they make half sizes for pants like they do shoes??). And annoying secondly, the ten pounds is annoying because when I initially think them, about how it got to be this way, I first think, "why have I put on weight? I am still working out a few times a week, same as before. I am still eating mostly the same foods, what gives?" But, on second thought, I recall the mornings that I skipped the gym to to grocery shop (hmmm, obvious??) or to sit on the computer and mindlessly surf myspace and facebook. And I recall the nights coming home from work late and being starving and then chowing on way too much food. I remember the drive thru runs, the days I would stop at Walgreen's to buy a candy bar, and lots of indulging during holiday/family gatherings.
In fact, recently I realized that every time I am planning to get back "on track" by eating healthier foods and better portions, I end up somehow coming home with leftovers...leftovers from restaurants or from family dinners, which are usually evil chunks of lasagna, piles of pasta, or hunks of cake.
I have no will power, that is one problem. I am constantly sabotaging my efforts by giving into cravings for fast food and sweets. Even after getting on the scale and realizing my current weight, the next day I still went through the McDonald's drive thru, first because I really wanted to try an iced mocha (I am SUCH a SUCKER for adverstisements! I really am!) and then a quarter pounder and fries sounded really good (I hadn't had one in at least two months, if not more).
The other problem is that since moving near my husband's Big Fat Italian Family my perceptions of reasonable portion sizes have been greatly skewed. My mother-in-law, father-in-law, my husband's aunts and uncles are always, "mange! mange!" Unfortunately I love Italian food.
And there's stress too. I do tend to soothe myself with food when stressed. So, work doesn't help. Although, lately it's been better. However, after two long crisis calls earlier this week, I was guilty of going through the drive thru after each one.
I think the more I think about my weight, about food, the harder it is. When I lost weight a few years ago it seemed I really wasn't trying to, I didn't focus on it, I just went and worked out a few times a week and eventually it started coming off. I don't want to become one of those weight obsessed people, but obviously I don't want to blow up to be 200 pounds either! I need to find a nice balance of eating better, eating less, and just being healthier!
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